It's a sobering fact that Full House is a show that has decidedly not aged well, existing primarily as a bastion of early '90s nostalgia. Totes weird, then, that it's getting a revival with Netflix's Fuller House and Lifetime's Unauthorized Full House Story. And while Fuller House aims to give fans a glance at their favorite characters in a "where are they now?" capacity, the Lifetime movie is taking a decidedly different route. Lucky for fans of the cable network's unauthorized-story-of series (see: anyone who tweeted along with the Unauthorized Saved By The Bell Story), Lifetime released photos of the Unauthorized Full House Story , and let me just say: "Have mercy."
You guys. These photos are 110 percent ridiculous looking in the best way. Aside from the fact that they showcase Full House's already embarrassing stylistic choices, there's hopefully purposeful (?) inaccuracies and, if you look closely, maybe one or two anachronisms. But hey, why do I even need to provide you with reasoning? It's photos of a Lifetime movie about a sitcom from the '90s. It's exactly what you think it would be, but better.
In any case, a picture is worth a thousand words and I definitely have... words for these, albeit not a thousand. So take a gander at these 11 photos, and thank me later.
1. I Assume This Is Jesse And The Rippers, Or Least One Of The Several Incarnations Of The Band
I feel like there's a minimum of three wacky mullet guys at all time, and no keytar? This is an outrage.
2. Fake Bob Saget Looks Remarkably Nothing Like Real Bob Saget, And Fake Jodie Sweetin Looks Like She's Organizing A Hit On Someone
Now we know who's the true head of the Full House.
3. I Feel Like One Of These Four People Are Supposed To Be An Older Michelle
Smart money would say it's the blonde child with the ridiculous tights, but given how much she doesn't look like an Olsen twin I'm saying it could still be the 30-year-old Greek tan guy on the far left.
4. ALL OF THIS, EVERY OUNCE OF THIS.
Don't even try to tell me that Kimmy Gibbler wore the same Jovani dress that I did to prom. AND WHAT MONSTER PUT THOSE SMALL CHILDREN IN THOSE BLONDE HELMET WIGS?
5. Is He... Is Uncle Jesse Texting?
I really feel like I need more context for this since I'm drawing a blank, but why does it look like Jesse is holding a iPhone, waiting desperately for someone to respond to his "'Sup?" text? Clearly, I missed this episode.
6. Those. Tongs.
Everything about this, from Fake Joey's gleeful grin to Fake Jesse's stare, makes me feel uncomfortable.
7. A New Twist On An Old Classic.
WHAT DID YOU DO TO COMET?
9. OK, This One Looks Like Some Sort Of Horror Movie Nonsense
The only thing scarier than real Olsen twins is fake Olsen twins eerily lit and basking in more glamor than you will ever be able to afford.
10. This Lady Helping Fake Mary-Kate And/Or Ashley Olsen Say Her Lines.
OMG, kid, you really need to be reminded to say, "You got it, dude?"
11. My Face Right Now After Going Through These Photos
Honestly, I can't wait for this movie.
Images: Sergei Bachlakov/Lifetime (12)