Holiday season is upon us, and as we all know, it's the most wonderful time of the year... to get laid. Maybe. If you do it right. Whether you're in a relationship or single, it's just disturbingly easy to screw up holiday sex. Below are a few rules that should help you avoid humiliation, regret, and, um, tummy aches.
1. If you’re buying your significant other a sex toy for the holidays, talk to them about what they’re interested in first.
Aside from a pair of Alexander Wang heels, I really can’t imagine a better Christmas present than the $130 vibrator that I can’t justify buying for myself. If you’re in a relationship, agreeing to swap sex toys for the holidays basically guarantees sriracha-hot sex for weeks to come – if it’s something they truly want.
After all, there’s a big difference between a vibrator and an anal plug, and you’d best be sure you’re not gifting anything that will cause emotional or physical discomfort. Find out what they’re interested in ahead of time so you can pick out something just right. (Luckily for you, we have plenty of recommendations!)
2. If you and your partner are spending the holidays with one of your families, quadruple-check that your room is soundproofed.
Actually, make that soundproofed and a half. I don’t care what you have to do — jump around on the bed, shout to each other from different rooms, shove a pillow against the crack under the door. There is little worse in this world than getting walked in on by parents. Some things cannot be unknown. So wait until it’s late, lock the door anyway, and be QUIET.
3. If you’re single, be very picky about who you bang in your hometown.
OK, yes, your vagina should always have a pretty high-level security clearance. But it’s oh-so-easy to drunkenly crawl back into bed with a none-too-special former hookup at your local hometown bar. Stay ambitious! Go for the guy who got so much hotter in college, or the lab partner who actually made you look forward to AP physics.
4. Try to get it on before you carve the roast beast.
Look, there is nothing fun about sloshy, too-full sex. Not that I’m suggesting you should give so much as two shits about holiday weight — you have earned those gingerbread blondies, you have. But sex on a full stomach is just not pleasant, and your stomach is going to be full for, like, 70% of your waking hours during this time of year. At the very least, wait an hour after you eat. Like swimming!
5. Think long and hard before getting naughty-and-nice with a coworker after the holiday party.
This is kind of duh, but professionalism and rationality sometimes run screaming after the third candy-cane cocktail. Even if your office is fairly chill, you still run the risk of getting very, very judged for intraoffice sexytime. Not to mention the potential awkwardness of seeing someone you’ve macked on every. single. day. College dining-hall status much? If you absolutely must, be as discreet as possible, and wait until you’re far, far away from the actual party before you start sucking face.
Now, go get it on. You've got this!
Main image: fivedollarones/Flickr