Even if you've had some lousy sex before, having really good sex can make up for it. Sometimes we're lucky enough to have it with the person we're going to be banging for the rest of our lives, and sometimes it comes only for a single night along with that hottie you met at the bar just a few hours before. But no matter how long we get to enjoy a bit of high-quality fornication, it's always both a physical and mental treat.
Life is too short for bad sex, and yet, so many of us are having it. According to a study by Cosmopolitan, only 25 percent of both men and women report being completely satisfied with their sex lives — a number that is honestly way, way lower than it should be. But even for those of us who have just resigned ourselves to a dismal sex life, there's hope. Whether your partner isn't lasting long enough in the sack or has a penis that is too big for painless screwing, there are plenty of ways to make sexy time your favorite time of the day.
And If you're anything like me, you probably have a crazy train of thoughts running through your head during good sex. Sometimes we're lucky enough to have it with the person we're going to be banging for the rest of our lives, and sometimes it comes only for a single night along with that hottie you met at the bar just a few hours before. But no matter how long we get to enjoy a bit of high-quality fornication, it's always both a physical and mental treat. If any of these thoughts pop into your head while you're hooking up, you're not weird. You're just enjoying one of mankind's greatest pastimes the way it was meant to be enjoyed.
1. The pants are coming off, and it's time to get it on.
2. Those genitals are the greatest genitals I've ever seen. I swear I just saw them sparkle.
3. And to think, they want to smush their sparkly genitals against my slightly less sparkly genitals. Amazing.
4. Is it possible to be electrocuted by someone kissing your neck? Because I think scientists would agree that's what's happening here.
5. Of all the things human beings can do with our hands, this has to be the best one.
6. Seriously, why are we wasting our time learning how to do stupid things like writing in cursive? This is what fingers were created to do.
7. I haven't wanted to put something in my mouth this badly since I saw that Red Lobster commercial, like, two hours ago.
8. Ho-ly smokes. Their private parts are literally like human candy. And I'm not a cannibal. I swear.
9. My turn? Like, me? You want to do that to me? Well, if you insist...
10. Their tongue is basically playing a symphony on my clitoris. Is that "Ode To Joy" I hear?
11. OK but really, do you need me to get you a snorkel? Maybe some scuba gear? It's feeling awfully wet down there.
12. They're about to become the first person ever to drown in vaginal fluid. What an inspiring sacrifice. The world will never forget them or their amazing cunnilingus skills.
13. My biological slip 'n slide is ready for use. Step right up, don't be shy.
14. Is there anything better on this planet than the feeling of another person's body parts sliding into your vagina?
15. It's like a cool drink of water when you're really thirsty. A nap when you're really tired. A dick when you really need some dick.
16. If we'd learned about this type of chemistry in high school, I might have actually paid attention.
17. Kissing while banging while caressing is the best type of multitasking.
18. Why do they even call it the "G-spot?" It should be called the "OMG-spot"?
19. I don't even know the name for the spot they're hitting now, but I'm not about to stop and Google it.
20. I'm definitely going to Google it later, though.
21. How did they just change positions without slipping out? How?
22. I don't even know what this position is called, but I'm definitely sending it in to one of those checkout aisle girl magazines so they can put it on their next cover.
23. Wait, is this actually happening? Am I about to be part of the mere 25 percent of women who can climax from penetration alone?
24. Of course not. Come on, fingers, let's give that beautiful dick a "hand."
25. I'm sexy and hilarious. No wonder we're having such a good time.
26. Here it is —I'm gonna. . .wait, they're gonna, too?
27. I thought this stuff only happened in erotica and por. . . OH YES! YES! GLORY HALLELUJAH, YES!
28. It's official. When people say that something is, "better than sex," this particular boning is hereby excluded.
29. Unless they had that fro-yo that I got the other day. I don't think anything in the universe was better than that fro-yo.
30. Post-sex cuddles and forehead kisses. Is this real life?
31. I wonder if they'd be up for getting some more of that fro-yo tomorrow afternoon.
Want more of Bustle's Sex and Relationships coverage? Check out our new podcast, I Want It That Way, which delves into the difficult and downright dirty parts of a relationship, and find more on our Soundcloud page.
Images: Nick Spears/ Flickr; Giphy (8)