We’re always hearing that we could be having better sex, a better orgasm, or a better relationship. But how often do we hear the nitty-gritty of how we can actually better understand our deepest desires and most embarrassing questions? Bustle has enlisted Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist, to help us out with the details. No gender, sexual orientation, or question is off limits, and all questions will remain anonymous. Please send your sex and relationship inquiries to firstname.lastname@example.org. Now, onto today’s topic: how to touch and finger a woman.
Q: I just started dating women, and I'm not super experienced with it. Do you have a general primer on how to give a handjob to a woman? One problem I have is that I’m not totally sure what I like on myself, so I have a hard time knowing what to do to another woman.
A: Thanks for your question! I think a lot of people underestimate how pleasurable handjobs can be, which is a real shame. Before we get into technique, I want to encourage you to do some exploration on your own first. You have a whole world of exploration at your fingertips! Take the time to get to know your body and what it likes. Not sure how? Check out our handy guide to female masturbation.
Now let’s jump right to eight crucial tips for anyone who wants to make a woman come with their hand.
1. Prepare Your Tools For The Job
It’s really important to have clean, well-groomed hands when you’re touching a woman’s genitals. Keep your fingernails trimmed and filed, to avoid scratching her sensitive skin. Don’t cut your nails right before hooking up; they’ll still be too rough and sharp to touch her. You also want to make sure to wash your hands right before getting down to business, to protect her from getting an infection.
2. Tease Her
Spend plenty of time warming up before you move between her legs. Make out with her, kiss her neck, and nibble on her ears. Caress her butt, hips, and thighs. When you start to work your way down, rub her crotch through her pants using your palm, or grind against her with your thigh or pelvis. Even after her pants are off, keep teasing her. Leave her underwear on and trace a fingertip up and down her labia. You want her to be aching for skin-to-skin contact by the time you finally let her have it. For many women, teasing is the best part of the entire experience, so don’t skip over it in your haste to get to her clothes off!
3. Know What You’re Touching
Let’s go over a basic anatomy refresher of what your hands are going to come into contact with. You’re going to want to spend most of your attention on these four areas:
Her outer labia are the two lips that are covered in pubic hair. This is the main area you’ll be teasing through her clothes. There aren’t a ton of nerve endings in the outer labia, but you can rub them with your fingertips and even roll the skin between your thumb and forefinger. It’s also hot to pull her labia apart with your hands.
The inner labia are the set of lips that don’t have any pubic hair. The skin here is thinner and wet, so you’ll need to be a little more delicate than you are with the outer labia. Stroke the inner labia lightly with your fingertips.
The vaginal opening is further back, towards her anus. It’s where penetration occurs if you have intercourse, and it’s also where vaginal lubrication is secreted from. The majority of the nerve endings are located in the outer third of the vaginal canal, so tracing your finger around the opening or inserting a few fingers inside will feel great.
Her clitoris is hands-down the most sensitive part of her anatomy. The tiny little nub is packed with nerve endings. Most women need direct clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. Be very gentle with the clitoris until you get a sense of how much stimulation she likes.
4. Use Lube
As I mentioned above, the skin on a woman’s genitals is quite delicate. You don’t want your fingers pulling and tugging at her skin when you’re touching her. I highly recommend using artificial lube when you’re fingering her. You can use her natural fluids as lubricant (just dip your fingers into her vaginal opening), but they won’t last as long and she may feel embarrassed if she “dries out”. Artificial lube will not only decrease her discomfort (and any potential pain), but it will also increase her sensitivity and help your fingers move more deftly. I think silicone lubricant lasts longest and feels best against the skin.
5. Experiment With Your Touch
Every woman’s body responds differently, so you’ll want to play around with a few different ways of touching her to figure out what she likes best. There’s no need to go crazy with a ton of different techniques; just give her a few options! In general, women like one of three different approaches: clitoral stroking, penetration with your fingers, or both at the same time.
Try a couple clitoral strokes, like circling around her clitoris with one finger, gliding diagonally across the surface, rubbing up and down, or going side to side. Next, try using your fingers inside of her, starting with one, then moving up to two and three. Then try using one hand inside of her and the other on her clitoris. Ask her, “do you like it better when I do this or this?” Or see which approach makes her moan louder or breathe heavier.
6. Hone In On Her Clitoris
Once you’ve got her going, make sure you spend particular attention to her clitoris. Most women need repetitive, consistent clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. Find your rhythm and don’t make any changes as she starts to near her climax.
7. Let Her Tell You When To Stop
Women take an average of 20 minutes to reach orgasm, and a lot of women are sensitive about taking “too long.” One of the best things you can do as her partner is to tell her you’re going to keep touching her for as long as it feels pleasurable for her. Note that I said “for as long as it feels pleasurable” instead of “until she orgasms.” You don’t want to put pressure on her to reach orgasm. Focus instead on making her feel good.
8. Enjoy Yourself
Bringing another person an immense amount of pleasure with just your hands can be an incredibly fun and empowering experience. Enjoy the ride! Plus, the more fun you have, the more relaxed she’s going to feel, and the more pleasure she’ll allow herself to take in. It’s a win-win situation for everyone!
Images: jypsygen/Flickr; Giphy