There are days when you wake up with the best of intentions, but somehow end up going out in your pajamas. You're not really sure how it happened. You were going to be all "carpe diem" and get your life in order, but next thing you know it's 1 p.m., your hair is still up in its bedhead topknot, you have a random craving for sour gummy worms, and find yourself slipping on your shoes... slipping on your shoes and conveniently ignoring the fact that what you have on your legs isn't jeans. It isn't even a pair of moderately stylish sweatpants. Heck, even your old high school gym shorts would be better than what you're contemplating facing the outside universe in. You slip on your sunglasses and are fully prepared to go out in your sleepwear.
I don't know whether to applaud your dedication to doing you or to pass you a cup of Ramen because clearly we're back in college and one of us is late to Colonial History class. Below are the seven emotional stages of stepping outside in your PJ bottoms, because it takes a certain attitude to roll your shoulders and be all, "Not today. Just not today."
1. Forgetting What The Outside World Is Like
When you're in the safety of your own apartment, you often get lulled into thinking that everything is peachy. You've been sitting in your jammies all day, but so what? You've gotten a lot of work done and that's all that matters. When you're in such a home-y state of mind, however, it can be easy to assume the world outside is just as accepting and fuzzy-feeling, even though we all know it's not.
There are probably going to be mean folk who will give you side-eye glares or frank people who will openly stare at you from the checkout line over. You're not thinking about them, though. All you're thinking about is finding your house keys so you can run down the street and buy your sour gummy worms. You slip on your shoes, tighten the drawstring of your Christmas patterned pajama pants, and head outside.
2. Remembering You Might Not Be In Your Finest Hour
The bright sunlight always makes things worse, doesn't it? It's like a brutally honest friend who puts things into perspective. Just think about those times you stepped outside after a long Saturday night in nothing but your going out dress and slept-in makeup. That blast of harsh white light is always enough to push you back a step or two into the shadows and make you think about what you're doing with your life.
As you're standing on the crosswalk, waiting for the light to turn green, you're met with a similar feeling. Are you really out right now, in jammies? You, a functioning citizen of society, a woman who pays her taxes on time and sometimes splurges in Whole Foods, is running around in little Santa jamjams?
Thankful for the sunglasses, you hurry forward.
3. Blaming Tommy Hilfiger
Whatever, you think, this isn't so bad. I mean, wearing pajamas outside was all the rage just last year. Hilfiger marched sulky, heavy eyed models down the runway in pajama pants all season long. If anything, this is all his fault. You're just channeling an American demi-god. How could you be at any fault here?
4. Trying To Give Off The Vibe That Your Life Isn't In Shambles
You know exactly what you look like: Like maybe your life skidded into a rough patch and you rolled out of bed long enough to go buy comfort food to fill the hole inside. Well, it's not like you're off buying a handle of whiskey in your bathrobe. People need to calm down.
Not about to take this lying down, you jut out your chin and square your shoulders, letting everyone know you chose to go out like this. No one's life is unraveling; there was just a simple sugar craving involved.
5. Pretending You're In College
Sliding your sunglasses higher up your nose, you make the brilliant decision to just pretend you're a kid in college. No one needs to know you're deep into your 20s. Without makeup, you're mistaken for a 16-year-old all the time anyway. You're just another liberal arts student, on her way to her modern American poetry class or something of that nature. I mean, you have the topknot to prove it.
6. Dealing With That One Lady's Glares
You're standing in line with the gummies close to your chest, trying to ignore the fact that the little old lady who's name is most certainly Carol or Minerva is openly glaring at you. Her hair is in a perfect wispy perm, her set outfit is pressed and topped off with a cardigan that's buttoned only at the top, and her lipsticked lips are set in a grim line.
You just know she's going to bring you up in her book club. Refusing to give her the satisfaction of meeting her eye, you tip your sunglasses off of your head and over your eyes.
7. Reevaluating Your Life Over Gummy Worms
As you're walking back home, already tearing into the bag, you take the opportunity to go over your life. Now, you wouldn't say it's in shambles. Things are going relatively well. I mean, you can afford to buy a lemon tart cake every time you go grocery shopping, so that's pretty good.
Maybe, however, you can begin to leave the pajama pants behind now that you're an adult human person. Maybe you can opt to go out in sweats instead, or at the very least, in jammies that don't have Santa Claus reindeer going down their lengths.
Maybe. But probably not.