When it comes to choosing whom to date, we’re all into something different. Some folks prefer conventionally attractive Kennedy types, others tortured intellectuals, and others will fall for anyone who plays an instrument. But no matter how unique you consider your own romantic proclivities, there are certain types of exes we've all had. Let’s just call them the great equalizers of romantic frustration.
There’s the person who seemingly feels nothing, and who won’t open up even when you use the emotional jaws of life on them. Then, there’s the person who feels too much and can rarely hold back the flood of tears when you tell them about something as innocuous as considering cutting your hair. The list goes on and on, from the individual who just up and disappears, to the character who refuses to show you their apartment, to the person who will never stop trying to get you back. What all these people have in common is the fact that you are no longer dating them. And thank goodness for that.
Though there are good reasons for which you’re no longer dating these people, opening up the ex files is always good for a laugh. We’ve partnered up with The CW's Crazy Ex-Girlfriend to chronicle the seven kinds of exes we’ve all had. Make sure to catch Crazy Ex-Girlfriend on The CW on Monday, Oct. 12 at 8/7c.
Casper, The Friendly Ghoster
Defining characteristic: Disappearing after a few seemingly nice dates.
Reason you liked them in the first place: You had the same taste in pop culture, art, and books. They seemed like a normal person.
Hobbies: Pretending to be a non-ghost; preying on romantic hopes; vanishing into thin air.
Reason you're no longer dating: Impossibility of maintaining contact; person is basically Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense.
How It Ended: With an involuntary cessation of contact. You sort of wondered if they had died. Then, you ran into them and realized that they were not dead, they just didn't like you.
Defining characteristic: Hates everything, lets everyone on social media know
Hobbies: Facebook oversharing; Writing negative Yelp reviews
Reason you liked them in the first place: Your mutual disdain of other people
Reason you're no longer dating: Too much negativity
How it ended: With a tweet: "YOU THINK YOU KNOW PEOPLE, THEN THEY SHOW THEMSELVES TO BE HORRIBLE GARBAGE HUMANS #truecolors"
The Sand Castle
Defining characteristic: Being the person you put SO much work into, only to wash away in the surf and move onto something better.
Hobbies: Being late and unprepared for everything; getting lost; miraculously getting it together the moment you're no longer dating.
Reason you liked them in the first place: So endearingly bumbling.
Reason you're no longer dating: Couldn't keep any plans whatsoever.
How it ended: You cut them loose because they were too much of a wreck. Now, as far as you can see from Instagram, they're doing so well. Too well.
Defining characteristic: Being hopelessly in love with you forever
Hobbies: Tossing pebbles at your window; writing you love songs and posting them online; weeping
Reason you liked them in the first place: So sensitive!
Reason you're no longer dating: Actually more into themselves than they were into you
How it ended: You dumped them because they were too needy. They have reached out multiple times, vowing to change, but you're too smart for that.
"No Return Address"
Defining characteristic: Person whose apartment you've never seen
Hobbies: Eating everything in your pantry; artfully dodging your attempts to peek at their place of residence.
Reason you liked them in the first place: That air of mystery.
Reason you're no longer dating: Can't open up their doors, can't open up their hearts.
How it ended: In front of their supposed apartment. You attempted to gain entry by feigning a need to go to the bathroom.
Defining characteristic: Blowing up every communication device you have at any given moment of the day.
Hobbies: Texting you; emailing you; Facebook messaging you; making you seriously contemplate witness protection program.
Reason you liked them in the first place: So into you!
Reason you're no longer dating: Literally suffocating you.
How it ended: With you changing every single communication address.
Defining characteristic: You can't believe you were ever attracted to this person.
Hobbies: Listening to Phish; wearing fedoras; being a general bad idea.
Reason you liked them in the first place: You didn't know any better... or you were in high school.
Reason you're no longer dating: You wised up to the fact that they were the worst.
How it ended: They dumped you because they wanted to be single for their trip to Cabo. You were also unable to take the embarrassment of being associated with this person.
This article is sponsored by The CW's Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. Tune in to the premiere on Monday, Oct. 12 at 8/7c on The CW.
Image: Caroline Wurtzel/ Bustle (8)