There's nothing quite like the emotional struggle of wearing tights for a day. With the swift return of pumpkin spice lattes, cuddly knits, and sipping hot coffee out of styrofoam cups on nippy-aired park benches, there also comes the downside of fall. Things like spending too much money on boots and eating pumpkin pie like it's the only food group are good examples, just to name a few. Having to reopen the tights drawer is another.
I'm not going to be fair and present both sides here. Instead, I'm just going to come out and say it: Tights suck. They're the worst. Their sole purpose is to ruin your life and take a poo on your dreams. You think you have a cute outfit you're going to wear today? Hmm, wrong, you don't have the right color tights and now you have to wear your crummy boyfriend jeans. You think you look polished, like every inch of the sophisticated adult you — oh look, it's a run. It's going right down the middle of your leg like you just came back from one too many dances on a night out. That's just what you wanted.
With the swift arrival of fall upon us, we can expect to enter back into the joys of tights prison, during which your day is filled with one calamity after the next. Below are the seven things every tights hater will understand. Join me and seethe.
1. The Sizes Are Nonsense
Can we please hold a summit for all tights manufacturers and hash out a universal size chart? Please? I've owned everything from XS to 2XL, and every single one of them has equally fit and not fit me. It's like it's a one size fits no one. What is this madness? Do you do it just to anger us? Because I'm there buddy, I'm there.
2. Standing On A Public Train Is Suicide
You know when it's rush hour and you're standing crowded on the train or intimately elbow to elbow on the bus? Chances are you're holding your breath and counting backwards from 100, hoping against hope that no one manages to rip your tights. All it takes is one rogue piece of velcro from a coat or a careless turn with the sharp edges of a backpack to create one tiny little snag and have it all go to hell. In 10 minutes that snag will be just one giant ladder that used to be your left leg.
3. There's No Such Thing As "Control Top"
It doesn't matter what the packaging says. Control tops don't exist. What you bought yourself instead there is the granny panties version of nylon that just molds with the curve of your tummy, caressing it while simultaneously stopping all air circulation. It doesn't actually control anything (not that you need that BS anyway). It just makes sure you have an angry red waistband mark for the first 30 minutes after you finally peel it off. God, I hate you.
4. You Keep Trying Colored Tights, Because Why Learn?
Somehow all the other girls are able to pull off colored tights, but you just look like you have two Crayola crayons for legs. No, scratch that. Two off-brand crayons for legs. Yet, you buy the next pair you see because learning from your mistakes is for suckers.
5. The Color Will Never Be What You Expected
Oh great, you bought yourself solid black tights — nope, they're actually sheer. Oh, but you also got a "slightly opaque" pair I see, so it looks like you have two now — nope, spoke too soon, those are just straight up see-through. They're like rice paper when wet. Why does that shade even exist? Like who wants the look of a slight 5:00 shadow on their legs? I don't understand.
6. You Will Get A Hole In Your Toe
There is no faster rage then feeling your toe, inside its boot, somehow make its way into that one small hole at the foot of your tights. It's the size of a dime and somehow you've managed to fit half your foot through it. Then you're left sitting at your desk, trying to wiggle your toes out of the snare, slowly and methodically working yourself into a rage.
7. There's Never An Appropriate Time To Wear Them
Chances are you'll either overshoot it and wear them when it's too hot out, forcing yourself to suffer from being cocooned in the fashion world's equivalent of plastic wrap. You can't actually take them off because you thought you were going to be wearing tights that day and didn't shave. It's like the rule of wearing tights in the first place: Throw out the razor.
Or you thought it was going to be warm but it's actually freezing and now everyone is staring angrily at you like you decided to ride the train with nothing but a pair of pasties. There's nothing to make you feel more scandalous than showing an excessive amount of leg when everyone else is fully layered and bundled. So there you have it: You're either the lunatic who can't wait for fall to come and is wearing knit tights when kids are still running through sprinklers, or you're the bedraggled Millennial waiting for the bus to arrive. Take your pick. Tights for the win.