I am not a time traveler, but I might as well be. Now that the glorious shiny new iPhone 6s has been released, complete with its unicorn gem of a rose gold case, my iPhone 5 is starting to date me basically back to the Apple stone age. (OK, like, 2013. But my FOMO is REAL, guys.) Like most humans, I stalk Apple's product launches more faithfully than Gossip Girl stalks humans on the Upper East Side, and seeing the new update is basically the emotional equivalent of ogling a cupcake in a bakery shop window that's closed for the night. (No, YOU'RE stretching with a bunch of unrelated metaphors.)
I mean, I can't complain. My iPhone 5 — whose name is Bessie, by the way, for no particular reason other than I said so — has served me quite well in life. It has endured my gross sweaty summer runs, my aggressively enthusiastic selfie-taking, and more drops from perilous distances than I care to admit. I'm not trying to update-shame Bessie. But at the same time, seeing people walking swag-tastically down the street with their iPhone 6 is already enough to incite a jealousy spiral — how will I even begin to cope when they flaunt the iPhone 6s? Here are all the emotional stages of still having an iPhone 5 in the wake of this new update:
Ridiculous, Undying Loyalty To Your iPhone 5
Like, make no mistake — I want that update. But when someone's all, "Oh, you still have the iPhone 5?", I defend Bessie like she's my first born child. SHE IS NOT HERE FOR YOUR JUDGMENT, WORLD.
Salivating Over Other People's iPhones
"Oh, wow, cool iPhone 6s" turns into "Wait, can I just look at it for a second?" turns into your co-worker tapping her foot and standing over your desk some three hours later, waiting for you to finish taking your six hundredth selfie so that she can finally go home to her family tonight, dammit.
Staring Longingly At iPhone 6s Cases Online
Let me just scroll down this hypothetical kingdom of things I have no reason to buy, pretending to live a life that is not my own. (JK, I've already got one picked out and obvi there's a Harry Potter quote on the back, just in case you didn't think I was living my best life.)
Irrational Fever Dreams In Which You Blow Your Paycheck And Buy It
Rent isn't real in your dreams. There is only the iPhone 6s. And, you know, Ryan Gosling dressed up as the Apple Genius who sells it to you, because reasons.
Scratching Off The Days On The Calendar Until You Can Own It
Eighty-six more days until my next update. And just in case I forget, I'm going to start tattooing the lines to my forearms to keep track.
Torturing Yourself By Reading About All The Updates Over And Over
BRB, drowning the keyboard with my tears.
Eavesdropping On Stranger's Conversations About The iPhone 6s
I'm about to make a TON of new friends on the subway by awkwardly leaning over their shoulders and sighing dreamily at the beautifully rounded edges of their phones and their fancy 3D touch recognition. (That's how you make friends in New York, right?)
Starting To Weirdly Appreciate Your iPhone 5 Even More
Like, yes, there are definitely better, shinier updates. But look how many of them your iPhone 5 has survived! Your iPhone 5 is a warrior. A true Gryffindor of modern technology. You're basically a god for keeping it alive this long. (To those of you still carting around the iPhone 4 — mad props.)
Accepting Your Fate, And Waiting Out The Long Ride To iPhone 6s Ownership
It's going to be a long next few months, guys, but at least I won't have to endure it alone — I've still got Bessie by my side, and she is the best li'l iPhone 5 a girl could ask for.