'The Sims' 'Big Brother 17' Episode 12: Sim Jackie & Sim Gobias Bond, Sim James & Sim Austin Start A Band, & A Winner Is Named

Previously on The Sims Big Brother 17: The evicted Sims did squats while watching a program about a treadmill; a Ghost Sim went all Poltergeist on a chair; a new roommate moved into the house; the remaining contestants prepared for the final elimination challenge. (Ugh, I can't believe it's already time to bid this circus adieu.) You can check out the penultimate installment of The Sims Big Brother 17 here.

This is the final episode of the seventeenth season of The Sims Big Brother. I must hang up my Plumbob-encrusted crown once and for all. It's been a bittersweet week; Not only am I bummed that I have to relinquish all of my Sim Big Brother power, but I've grown to love my charges. Sure, the Sims can be slovenly idiots, but they're my slovenly idiots. I will miss them dearly.

I'm feeling all sorts of sentimental right now. How does a quick look back at the season sound? Good? Good. Here's The Sims Big Brother 17 by the numbers:

  • 19 — Number of The Sims BB17 houseguests
  • 12 — Number of weeks the houseguests lived in the The Sims BB17 house
  • 5,000 — Times the houseguests went skinny dipping
  • 2 — Number of broken hot tubs
  • 1 —Number of barbecue fires
  • 1 — Number of broken grills that will never be replaced
  • 750 — Times the paper delivery girl scolded Sim Big Brother/me
  • 1 — Number of hay-tastic obstacle courses
  • 7 — Number of Ghost Houseguests
  • 1 — Number of Sim Grim Reapers
  • 2 — Number of Sim Houseguests who died, came back to life, and then died again
  • 2 — Number of Sim Vampires
  • 1 — Number of trash cans attacked by Sim Jace
  • 1 — Number of paparazzi who somehow broke into the front door-less BB17 house
  • 60,000 — Number of waffles wolfed down by Ghost Sims
  • 1,000,000,000 — Number of times Sim Jace pressed his face to the fish tank and dreamed about joining his aquatic pals for a swim
  • ???? — Times the houseguests repaired any one of the seven showers because OH MY GOD WHY DO THE SHOWERS KEEP BREAKING?

Wow. What a season. And now, for the thrilling finale such a thrilling season deserves.

The Moment When Oh My Gosh, Sim Jackie Is Still Staring At Her Sleeping Roommate?

Around hour five of her stare-a-thon, she acknowledged the artistic merit of the stunning vampire bed.

The Moment When Sim Jackie Told Sim Gobias He Smelled Like Butt:

Sim Gobias told her to put a sock in it.

The Moment When Sim Jackie Asked Sim Gobias For A Favor:

"I want to float in my sleep," Sim Jackie said. "I want to live that undead life."

The Moment When Sim Gobias Shut Sim Jackie Down:

That's your price, is it? One boatload of compliments, coming right up!

The Moment When Sim Jackie Realized Flattering Sim Gobias Was Going To Be Harder Than She Thought:

Welp.

The Moment When I Literally Screamed:

SIM GOBIAS IS DATING THE PAPARAZZO?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! HOW AM I ONLY HEARING ABOUT THIS NOW?!?!?! Sim Gobias is a mole, isn't he? He's going to tell Sim Narcissa everything about The Sims BB17, isn't he? Great. Just great.

The Moment When Sim Gobias Blue Himself:

*Slow clap.* Well played, The Sims 3. Well played.

The Moment When Sim Gobias Changed Into A Suit Only To Pee On The Floor:

What is happening.

The Moment When Sim Jackie Gave The Request Another Shot:

Let's hope all of these compliments weren't for naught!

The Moment When Sim Gobias Turned Sim Jackie Into A Vampire:

He was so sleepy, too. What a trouper!

The Moment When Sim Jackie Morphed Into A Cloud Of Red Bats:

Neat!

The Moment When Sim Gobias Gave Her A Vague Warning:

Also? Weird compliment, Sim Gobias.

The Moment When Things Got A Little More Interesting:

Cool vampire stance, Sim Jackie!

The Moment When I Evicted Sim Gobias:

Your work here is done, Sim Gobias. You are dismissed, you dirty rat.

The Moment When Sim Jackie Curled Up On Her New Bed:

So cozy!

The Moment When The Final Eviction Challenge Was Ready To Commence:

A virtual reality challenge? Sure! Why not! Here's how the challenge works: The last Sim to quit playing the game will be the winner of The Sims BB17. Pretty complex, eh? (I really went all out for the final challenge.)

The Moment When Sim Jackie & Sim Clay Dove Right In:

Sim Liz, on the other hand, hung back. Interesting strategy, Sim Liz.

The Moment When Sim Jackie LITERALLY FLEW:

Um.

The Moment When Sim Clay LITERALLY FLEW:

UM.

The Moment When The VR Game Asked Sim Clay To Make A Crucial Decision:

He picked fruit snacks, doye.

The Moment When Sim Clay Removed His Headset:

Wait, are you sure you want to do that, Sim Clay?

The Moment When Sim Clay Was Sure He Wanted To Do That:

Oh.

The Moment When A Sim's Bladder Struck Yet Again:

Classic Sim bladder.

The Moment When Sim Jackie Removed Her Headset:

Wait, are you sure you want to do that, Sim Jackie?

The Moment When Sim Jackie Was Sure She Wanted To Do That:

Well, it looks like Sim Liz won the challenge/the entire show on a technicality: You can't be a quitter if you never started playing.

The Moment When Sim Liz Returned To The Temporary Bedroom:

In a crazy turn of events, Sim Liz totally ignored the celebratory balloons.

The Moment When Sim Clay Congratulated Sim Liz:

And yes, that bed is floating.

The Moment When Sim Jackie Congratulated Sim Liz:

"We're throwing a party in your honor," Sim Jackie said. "Everyone's going to be there. You have to go."

Sim Liz didn't respond.

The Moment When The Front Door Made Its Triumphant Return:

Now that the game is over, all of the houseguests are free to roam the house as they please.

The Moment When The Party Began:

Wow. Looks like a blast. I should be a professional party planner.

The Moment When Sim Gobias Tickled The Ivories:

*Adds "Sim Gobias tickled the ivories" to "Phrases That Make Skin Crawl" list.*

The Moment When Sim Liz Didn't Feel Like Socializing:

It's her party, she can sulk over by the snack table if she wants to.

The Moment When Sim James & Sim Austin Entertained The Party Guests:

"We're James Austin," Austin announced at the top of their set. "Our first song is called 'Prejudice & Pride.' Hope you like it."

The Moment When Sim Austin Ordered A Drink:

Who are those two strangers, you ask? Why, they are the mixologists I hired for the evening! Only the best for Sim Liz!

The Moment When Sim Clay Asked Sim Liz If He Could Get Her A Celebratory Drink:

Sim Liz gave a very Sim Liz response.

The Moment When Sim Da'Vonne Wondered If Sim Liz Was Just Going To Stand There All Night Like A Tree:

Sim Liz gave a very Sim Liz response.

The Moment When Sim Narcissa The Paparazzo Left The Party:

BEGONE, PARTY CRASHER.

The Moment When Sim Gobias Left The Party:

Begone, you double-crosser.

The Moment When Sim Da'Vonne Took A Slice Of Pizza Back To The Eviction Studio Apartment:

"There's only so much Sim Liz weirdness I can take," Sim Da'Vonne said between bites. "I had to get out of there."

The Moment When Sim Jace Stared At Sim Jackie As She Knocked Back A Can Of Blood:

"Take a picture," Sim Jackie hissed. "It'll last longer." Sim Jace didn't snap a photo, but Sim Big Brother did!

The Moment When The Party Was Officially Over:

When the fog machines stop a-foggin', that means the party has stopped a-rockin'.

The Moment When Sim Liz Stayed Put:

It's closing time, Sim Liz. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.

The Moment When I Gave Sim Liz Her The Sims BB17 Prize:

I almost forgot to give Sim Liz her winnings: one of the statues from the obstacle course!

The Moment When Sim Liz Said Her Goodbyes:

Sim Liz and the not-so-temporary temporary bedroom had become best friends.

The Moment When The Rest Of The Houseguests Said Their Goodbyes:

The goodbyes turned into an impromptu pool party. I allowed it.

The Moment When Sim Jace Said His Most Important Goodbye:

"It's fin real," Sim Jace whispered at the tank. The fish groaned at the pun in unison.

And with that, I evicted all of the The Sims BB17 houseguests and bulldozed the house. It is all over. After I removed the CD-ROM from my computer, I stared out a real window for the first time in what felt like years. It was a few minutes before my eyes adjusted to the harsh mid-morning sunlight.

"I'm hungry," I mumbled at the window pane. "I wonder if that cutesy breakfast place down the street serves Grapes Pancakes."

Images: The Sims 3/EA Games (46); Kristie Rohwedder/Bustle (46)