Phil Robertson's Totally Reasonable Marriage Advice Includes Teen Brides

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh. Duck Dynasty star and advocate for homophobes everywhere, Phil Robertson, has more wizened, unbiased, and incredibly well-researched opinions to proclaim to the world. This time, Phil Robertson offers advice on the place of teen brides in successful — and holy! — marriages. Because, dudes: if you don't get to those female humans before they're 20, all you're going to be is bankrupt. Say it with me now: Long live misogyny!

As we all know, the Internet is an elephant and is hard-pressed to forget anything, including a 2009 speaking engagement at the Sportsman's Ministry where the Duck Commander had many an opinion to dish out on marriage. Mainly: the necessity of child brides that are skilled in the kitchen arts in strong, everlasting, and successful marriages. Wonder if he spoke to Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchinson about that.

First, his commentary on anal sex and homosexuality sent the Internet into a frenzied tizzy. But the GQ article also went a step further, ensuring the alienation and completely inaccurate depiction of the plight of black people in Jim Crowe-era southern states. And after a suspension and reinstatement, Charlie Sheen poetry, and Sarah Palin buttinskis, we'd figured we'd heard the last of Robertson's Ode to Holy Living. Apparently we were wrong!

In a video via RawStory, it's broken down:

In case anyone wanted a rage-inducing play-by-play (though you should certainly listen because the crowd's reactions are equally as infuriating):

  • "Make sure that she can cook a meal, you need to eat some meals that she cooks; check that out."
  • "Make sure she carries her Bible. That'll save you a lot of trouble down the road."
  • "Look, you wait until [women] get to be 20 years old, the only picking that's going to take place is your pocket."
  • "You got to marry these girls when they are about 15 or 16 ... You need to check with mom and dad about that, of course."
  • BONUS POINTS: "if she picks your ducks, now, that's a woman!"

The controversial patriarch has been married to his own teen bride (they began dating when she was 14 — he was 18 — and married two years later) since she was 16, so he knows a thing or two. It just so happens that thing-or-two is more of the same nonsense we've come to expect from the totally-not-at-all-biased-and-ill-informed family.