Full disclosure: I’m in the midst of a breakup. The man I married two years ago, the person I firmly believed was "the one," simply is not. Neither of us is to blame; it’s just that reality stepped in and pointed out that, while we love each other deeply, it’s just not meant to be, at least not at the moment. If we could have somehow existed in a bubble where complications were just something we watched out the window and only happened to other people, we definitely would have had a chance. But reality is cruel.
Losing my husband is a pain for which I can’t really find the words. It’s far worse than any breakup or heartache I’ve experienced in the past, because I firmly believed that he was "the one", so much so that he actually changed my mind about marriage. I had no desire in getting married, but in meeting him, my soon-to-be ex-husband, my thoughts changed. While I do think it was a mistake to have rushed into an engagement and marriage, as fools do, I do not regret it. We took a chance on love, and went for it. I think there’s something admirable in that.
But when you lose someone of that caliber, someone whom you firmly believed would always be there, it’s a devastation that can’t be compared to anything else. I didn’t just lose “the one” in the romantic sense, but I lost “the one” in the friendship sense, too.
So, as I drag myself out of bed every morning and try to get through the day without crying over this loss, my brain is full of thoughts and questions that, honestly, makes functioning at this point a little difficult. I know I’m not the first person to feel this way, nor will I be the last, and there’s definitely solace in that, but it doesn’t stop the incessant overdrive of thoughts in my head.
Here are 13 thoughts you have when you lost the person you thought was the one.
1.“What Could I Have Done Differently?”
It’s always easy to blame yourself, but in some cases you need to realize that you are not to blame. Sure, you could have done things differently, but that doesn’t mean the outcome would have been different.
2. “Was I Just Blinded By Love?”
Short answer: Probably. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Love exists for a reason, and to be blinded by it, at least once or twice in your life, is something everyone should experience.
3. “I’m Pretty Sure I’m Dying Inside.”
As I sit here, I can actually feel a pain in my chest. Although I’ve written about relationships and sex enough to know that I am not dying, studies has confirmed that rejection and physical pain are in the same region of the brain, so the pain is real; it’s just not deadly.
4. “Maybe We’ll Get Back Together.”
When you find “the one,” the last thing you want to do is lose them. You don’t want to let go of any aspect of them, so you cling to the possibility of a future somewhere down the road.
5. “Perhaps It Was Just Bad Timing.”
I never believed in the whole concept of bad timing because it felt like a cop out. However, now that I’ve lost “the one,” I blame bad timing more than anything else.
6. “Obviously I’ll Never Love Again.”
This thought will be at the forefront of your brain during every waking hour. It will also be the comment that is immediately shutdown by friends and family when you say it out loud. But, no matter how many times anyone says it, you’re not going to believe them. At least not for awhile.
7. “How Could I Have Been So Foolish?”
Well, as I tell myself every morning, I was in love. Love makes people act foolishly. From a chemical standpoint in your brain, being in love is like being on drugs. When people are on drugs they act pretty effed up.
8. “I Guess They Never Loved Me.”
Falling in love and committing to someone is a risk. You’re putting yourself out there and opening up yourself to the possibility of things falling apart. If your partner never loved you, they wouldn’t have made that risk. So this is something you definitely need to stop thinking.
9. “My Faith In Love Has Been Broken.”
Of course it has. But your faith in love was probably broken before, so there’s hope that you’ll regain it again at some point. Emphasis on the word “hope.”
10. “If They Weren’t ‘The One,’ Then I Wasted So Much Time.”
Actually, and I’ve been struggling with this one a lot, but my consensus is that I didn’t waste so much time. Loving someone, even if they turned out to not be the one, is never a waste. It’s an experience and a lesson. Lessons are necessary in life; even the ones that hurt like hell.
11. “How Could We Be So Happy And Now There’s Nothing But Pain?”
Well, the pain exists because you loved them, and the happy existed because that’s what love does. It’s a drug, and we’re all suckers for it.
12. “I’m Swearing Off Love Forever.”
When you lose the person you genuinely thought was your soulmate and the anger kicks in, you immediately go to the idea of swearing off sex, love, relationships, and all the rest of it forever. In the early stages of losing someone, this can be a good idea. But eventually you might feel differently, and when you do, don’t fight it.
13. “What Can I Do To Get Them Back?”
Don’t go there. I go there every single day… and I’m realizing it’s not getting me anywhere. Work on you; spend time with your family and friends, and focus on appreciating all the love you have in your life. Because, in the words of Gloria Gaynor, “I will survive,” and so will you.
Want more of Bustle's Sex and Relationships coverage? Check out our new podcast, I Want It That Way, which delves into the difficult and downright dirty parts of a relationship, and find more on our Soundcloud page.
Images: Andrew Zaeh for Bustle; Giphy(13)