You'll Never Guess Who's a Directioner...

According to The New York Daily News, Martin Scorsese is a Directioner. He's a director-Directioner! (I couldn't help it.) Allegedly, the Wolf of Wall Street director's daughter gave him their CD, and he is "very passionate and enthused about the music of One Direction." Hey. He's only human. Of course, this report has many of us wondering if a One Direction/Scorsese collaboration will happen. He's worked with Michael Jackson and The Rolling Stones before, so he's no stranger to working with musicians. He could direct a music video, a concert movie, or simply include one of their songs in his next feature.

BUT what if he directed a scripted feature-length movie starring One Direction?

Wait.

What if Martin Scorsese directed Shutter Island 2 starring One Direction? Here I go!:

Shutter Island 2

Harry, Liam, Niall, Zayn, and Louis are to perform at a hospital for the criminally insane. The hospital's location? Shutter Island. They received several letters from a man named Teddy. Teddy says he's their number one fan, he's been through a lot with his family, and that nothing would make him happier than if they came to visit. The letter tugs at their heartstrings. The One Direction guys make room in their schedules so that they can go to Shutter Island.

One Direction arrives at Shutter Island and Dr. Cawley immediately takes them to Ward C. As you may remember from Shutter Island, Ward C is where the most intense hospital residents kick it. "I guess we're jumping right in," Niall laughs uncomfortably. And then they are introduced to Teddy.

"I am a duly appointed federal marshal," Teddy says. The members of One Direction look to the the doctor for answers.

"He is a duly appointed federal marshal," Dr. Cawley says. Dr. Cawley winks.

"You all are under arrest," Teddy bellows.

One Direction is thrown in a Ward C cell. It is poorly-lit. They are scared. "I told you we shouldn't have done this," Zayn groans. "It was a terrible idea from the get go." Liam starts kicking the door of the cell.

"Hey! At least we're all in the same room," Louis offers. Everyone shoots him a dirty look.

"Don't be a prat," Liam snaps.

"Everybody, stop," Harry calmly interjects. "We've got to get out of here. And the only way we can do it—"

"Is with Scorsese-style violence?" Zayn interrupts. "Please tell me this will end with the five of us burying people alive!"

"No," Harry responds. "This isn't Casino. Or Goodfellas. We've got to do things our way. And our way? Our way is music."

"YOU'RE RIGHT!" Zayn, Liam, Niall, and Louis cheer.

One Direction starts singing "Story Of My Life." Dr. Cawley rushes over to their cell. "What's this? What are you doing?" he demands. They continue singing.

Dr. Cawley is suddenly hypnotized. He cannot resist One Direction. He is human, after all. "I must get closer," he mumbles. He opens the cell door. He tries to hug Liam, but he is too quick for him. The five run away, but they never stop singing.

Other patients join in on the singing from their cells. It's equal parts heartwarming and creepy. The band does its best to navigate Ward C, but the building is a maze. After running around for what feels like hours, they run into Teddy.

"I'm a duly appointed federal marshal," Teddy says. "NO, YOU'RE NOT," Louis yells. "You're a patient who wrote a fan letter and we thought, 'Hey! Why not visit?'."

Harry gives Louis a nod, and all five begin singing "What Makes You Beautiful." Teddy immediately starts weeping and scream-sings along with them. He is human, after all.

Dr. Cawley catches up with them. "Did it work? Did it work?"

"…did what work?" Niall replies.

"Did Teddy cry? We've been trying to get him to cry for months. Nothing's done the trick. The 'incarcerate One Direction' scenario was our last hope." One Direction stares at him blankly. Teddy continues sobbing on the ground.

"They're so good," Teddy blubbers. "And they sound even better in person. I didn't think it was possible."

"Can we go home now?" Harry asks, mid-lyric.

"Shh…keep singing," Dr. Cawley whispers.

Dr. Cawley and Teddy cry-sing on the ground while One Direction performs "Best Song Ever." Dr. Cawley and Teddy cry so hard that they pass out. "I think we broke them," Liam says.

They hear someone slow clapping. Dr. Sheehan walks out of the shadows. "Well done, gentlemen," he says. "You all thought you were helping a patient get better, but really, we brought you here because you're the true patients."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Zayn asks.

"YOU'VE BEEN SHUTTER ISLAND'D," Dr. Sheehan cackles.

"We're going to leave," Harry says.

"Really? Okay. Fine. After all of that trouble, I thought you guys might be interested in finding out more about my research. But whatever. Suit yourselves."

"Nope, not at all interested," Liam responds.

The five guys find the exit (it was right behind them all along!) and leave Shutter Island.

Teddy wakes up and screams, "I DIDN'T GET TO TOUCH HARRY'S HAIR!" Dr. Cawley pats him on the back.

THE END