6 Gross Things That Happen During A Hand Job

Many people seem to believe that giving a hand job is the most boring form of two-person sexual activity. They're what we did as awkward teenage couples before losing our "real" virginity, and they often serve as the climax (no pun intended) for many stories that begin with, "This one time at a shady strip club..." Despite their undeserved reputation, hand jobs can be a fun, safe form of sex or foreplay for novices and experts alike. But just like any activity that involves the removal of clothes, they also leave the potential for some truly gross things to happen.

It goes without saying that just about any form of sexual activity leaves the door wide open for strange noises, smells, and substances to appear without warning, and hand jobs are no exception to the rule. While different people have different thresholds for what they consider "gross," most of us aren't going to jump at the opportunity to slather our skin in semen or daintily twirl a lock of sweaty scrotum hair around our finger. Even though most of the awkward things that happen during sex are a lot more normal than you might think, they can still make us scrunch up our noses no matter how open-minded we are.

Even though we may try to love everything that our partner's body does during sexy time, there are some things that are harder to adore (and stomach) than others when it comes time for the hottest form of manual labor. If you get more than a little grossed out when these things happen while giving your partner a hand job, don't worry — you're definitely not alone.

1. Things Are A Bit Smelly

The scent of semen that's been marinating in sweaty boxers all day is a distinct one indeed. While giving a hand job instead of a blow job ensures that your face doesn't have to be all up the aroma, the hand-on-penis friction has the effect of a particularly stinky scratch 'n sniff. It encourages the sweat, dead skin cells, and who-knows-what-else to break-free from their place between your partner's legs and relocate to your nostrils. You might think that a handy is the safest route to take when it comes to avoiding that stale scent, but unless your partner took a shower right before dropping their pants, you could be wrong.

2. The Pre-Cum Dries Up

Remember back in grade school when you'd get glue on your hands, so you'd rub them together until it dried up? Giving hand jobs with pre-cum is like the adult version of that. The clear, sticky liquid is fine on its own and provides an extra bit of lubricant, but if you're working with just skin on skin, it might start to get icky on you. The air and friction work together to dry it up, making it just sticky enough to make you feel slightly uncomfortable. And then, if things don't get wet enough in time, it'll start to roll up into tiny pieces that either stick to your hands or your partner's penis or it falls off onto the sheets. It's basic chemistry: pre-cum is way more appealing in liquid form.

3. Foreign Objects Mysteriously Appear

Whether you use synthetic lubricant or rely on bodily fluids to get things moving, it's only a matter of time before something gets stuck to either you or your partner and forces a pause in the action. Even if you start out with perfectly clean hands and genitals, that tiny piece of dirt that somehow got onto the sheets or that extra-long hair that managed to make its way from your head to your partner's crotch is going to find a way to join in on the fun. At the very least, finding something that shouldn't be there is usually enough to prompt a brief, but awkward moment while you try to pick it off without scratching or pinching any important body parts. At the most, it can leave your partner howling in pain while they dry to dislodge a crumb from beneath their foreskin.

4. Semen Gets On Something It Shouldn't

In porn, it's no biggie when semen goes everywhere. But when the stuff gets on your pillow, it's a bit different. You don't have a clean-up crew to get things all wiped up and sanitized, and if you miss a spot, you might end encountering some ants and fruit flies who decided that they needed to up their protein intake. Obviously, if you're planning on helping your partner achieve an orgasm, you should expect the significant amount of bodily fluids that normally come with it. But that doesn't change the fact that semen is way, way less appealing when it's sitting in a gloopy puddle on your floor.

5. You Have To Use Your Hands Between Finishing Up And Making It To The Sink

Semen definitely isn't the worst thing that can come out of a human body, but that doesn't make it any less gross when you think about how much sperm has died on your bedroom doorknob or bathroom light switch. Even if you're an expert with using your elbows and feet to overcome anything that stands between you and the nearest container of soap, there's still the chance that you'll accidentally leave your partner's mark on a surface you touch every day. Regular disinfecting can prevent embarrassment if the CSI crew ever has to come into your house with a blacklight, but thinking about just how much post-hand job semen you've spread around is enough to make even non-germophobes shudder.

6. There May Be Leftovers From The Last Time They Used The Toilet

Women don't exactly have it easy when it comes to genitals, but we don't have to worry about balls touching the inside of the toilet bowl when we poop. If your partner experienced such an unfortunate event or didn't shake off all the pee the last time they took a leak, all that fun stuff is going to end up, yes, on your hands. Despite the fact that scientists at National Human Genome Research Institute in Bethesda, Maryland have discovered that the average person's forearm is covered in way more bacteria than the areas between our legs (even with all that exposure to toilets), it's still a bit disconcerting to think about how your skin might inadvertently be doubling as toilet paper whenever you give a hand job.

Want more of Bustle's Sex and Relationships coverage? Check out our video on sex positions for small penises:

Bustle on YouTube

Images: Andrew Zaeh for Bustle; Giphy (6)