The Trendy Beauty Treatments of 2014 are Here and They're Freaking Terrifying

Fat freezing. Shock wave therapy. Vampire facials. Welcome to 2014, where the trendiest beauty treatments and procedures all sound completely terrifying. Makes me long for the days when the new hotness was simply injecting neurotoxins into your forehead.

I don't mean to sound reactionary. As someone who's recently crossed the other side of 30, I'm all for innovations that promise a youthful glow (and collagen deposits) without surgery. I'm even going to admit to something now that I've never committed to pixels before: I got Botox once last June (hey, there was a really good Groupon deal). Apparently my feminist principles have nothing on my vanity and curiosity.

The point is that what initially sounds scary — botulism for beauty! — can relatively quickly become commonplace. Maybe in a year or so I'll be all, hell yeah vampire facials! Right now, however, I find the latest crop of beauty treatments minorly horrifying. In case you want to be similarly horrified, here's a run-down on what some of these trends involve.

1. Fat freezing

According to Express UK, a survey of beauty industry insiders found that "fat freezing" procedures are expected to be a big 2014 trend. Officially called cryolipolysis, it involves placing a plate-like device over fat and then "rapidly cooling" it, after which "high-pressure acoustic waves" smooth and tighten the skin. Only $1,600!

2. Vampire facials

Blood is drawn from a patient’s arm, separated into “platelet-rich plasma” using a centrifuge, combined with cosmetic fillers such as Restylane or Juvederm, and then injected into the face for "volume replacement."

3. Shock wave therapy

Another new "body sculpting" and cellulite reduction treatment, also known as radial wave therapy. "Delivered through a hand-held device, it can be used on the thighs, hips and bottom," according to Express. "As the radial waves pass through the skin they increase blood flow which reduces the appearance of cellulite and increases skin elasticity." This one doesn't sound so much terrifying as just highly unlikely to yield results.

4. Snake massage

More of a relaxation treatment than a beauty trend, I guess. Still, I think it warrants inclusion here because it's new and trendy and it involves being massaged by snakes. Pythons, to be specific. All over your body. And people are paying to do this instead of fleeing in horror.

5. Lovera

Being touted as the hottest wrinkle erasing treatment since Botox, Lovera procedures only take 15 minutes and a batch of liquid nitrous oxide. What could go wrong?