I Read The New One Direction Book... And, Yes, It’s Fascinating

If you’re over the age of, say, 16, you probably either call Brit boy band extraordinaire One Direction a “guilty pleasure” or “the scourge of modern society.” Either way, One Direction wins, because they have millions of fans, a new album, and a brand new book out called One Direction: Where We Are Now. So, like, what have you done lately?

I’m sure you’ve done plenty, actually. Still, the boys of 1D are just so busy all the time slaving away for their adoring fans, but also having a blast in the process. Their songs are sugary but infectious, like the cotton candy at the fair that you don't really even want but it’s there and it’s colorful and why the hell not. So you buy it, and eat it, and then afterwards you feel vaguely empty, like you need some vegetables and a steak, or a burrito.

Culinary metaphors aside, there’s no denying the fact the 1D is a worldwide phenomenon. I would even argue that they’re a cult disguised in skinny jeans and fancy trainers. They have a new album coming out in November called Made in the A.M. (sans Zayn Malik, who left the band last spring), and this new book is part of the media blitz that is about to assault our senses in the coming months.

I read One Direction: Where We Are Now (it took about 12 minutes). I learned a lot about what the boys have been doing in a post-Zayn world. If you’re a 1D fan, you probably already have this book on your radar. If not, see if these fascinating factoids change your mind about the band. But be prepared, because the imaginary people who wrote the book are serious (like cult leaders). They command you to do things like “commit [Louis Tomlinson’s] details to memory" and “test your knowledge” of 1D lyrics with quizzes.

So get ready, because being a 1D fan takes dedication.

1. Their management company is called Modest! Management

Modest with an exclamation point!

2. They smash industry records “without even breaking a sweat.”

They also have a “constantly evolving sound,” which is interesting, because they sound like boy-band-all-the-way to me. And I’m sure they sweat on stage. They’re human Brits, not robots. Right?

3. Harry Styles is an Aquarius and he suffers from somniloquy

Aquarians are creative, affectionate, and friendly (cue the hysterical teen screams here). And before you have a meltdown and faint from the tragedy of it all, somniloquy means he talks in his sleep. So he basically recites soliloquies as he’s slumbering I guess? Whatever, it’s a SHOCKING FACT!

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4. Harry believes the world would “suck” without music

Harry Styles, like Lennon and McCartney before him, has deep thoughts: “Can you imagine a world where there was no music? It would suck.” He’s not wrong. I’ll give him that.

5. Niall is a master cupcake maker

According to his dad, Niall Horan kills at cupcakes. CUTE! He’s also the only member of 1D without tats, which has nothing to do with cupcakes, but it’s a factoid. No news on whether or not Niall makes cupcakes from scratch, with interesting flavors like beet rhubarb, or if he’s just going for the store-bought packaged kind. Either way, he’s in 1D so they are probably THE BEST cupcakes. And he probably makes them WITHOUT BREAKING A SWEAT.

6. Liam is terrified of spoons

The book says, “Liam has a phobia of spoons. Yes, really!” I’ll just let you sit with that for a minute. SPOONS!

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7. Zayn has disappeared

It’s common knowledge (unless you have better things to do than keep up with 1D news) that Zayn left the band last spring to pursue a solo career. Zayn, who was a major part of the band since its inception, and who was supposedly part of the 1D brotherhood, which is like a fraternity + Masons + blood relatives, is not mentioned in the book at all. Not once. No photos. No, “We loved you mate and thanks for the memories!” He’s been erased from the earth, kind of like what a cult would do if they were punishing a defector. It’s pretty weird.

8. Danny DeVito said yes to a 1D video

In the book, poor Danny DeVito is described as “pint-sized,” which I’m sure he’s heard all his life but come on now. He played a film director in 1D’s “Steal My Girl” video, which had, “The most varied cast ever to grace the screen in the same video.” That cast includes sumo wrestlers, ballerinas, Masai warriors, and flamingos. And Danny DeVito. I couldn't get through the whole video, but maybe you can (or have).

9. It’s a cult

As I’ve said, 1D is a cult. Here’s what it says in the book: “Loving One Direction is infectious! The instant you started following the band, you became part of a massive global network of like-minded people.” I don't know about you, but that sounds very cult-like to me. Like they’re trying to put you in a 1D trance… which can happen

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10. They have superpowers

Get this: The boys of 1D can do things most of us mere mortals just cannot fathom. Case in point: “Intrepid Liam and Harry found five minutes to trek up Machu Picchu in Peru, trailed by hordes of photographers and fans.” FIVE MINUTES?! The Inca Trail hike takes most people like four days to complete, and these blokes did it in five minutes — maybe because they were running at lightning speed to escape their screaming fans and the evil paparazzi. I know the invisible writers of the book were exaggerating. Or were they...

11. They’re great at Twitter

There’s a section in the book called #Hello, Tweeps that lists Liam, Niall, Harry, and Louis’ best tweets (nothing from Zayn, obviously), such as: “You can never outgrow SpongeBob” (Liam) or “Scribbling, scribbling” (Harry).

12. Don’t forget 1D fashion

If you get the book (and why wouldn’t you, with all this knowledge!) you’ll learn that Harry “loves a scarf, an open shirt, and a Cuban heel.” There’s even a Fashion Flow Chart, which is pretty clever.

So if you’re a One Direction fan, there’s a brand new book with lots of pictures coming your way. Maybe you’ll be able to decode some of the more mysterious statements in the book, like: “The cute pooch with lookie-likie hair snuggled up in Niall’s cozy living room,” because I am at a loss.

And if you’re not (yet) a fan, you’ll learn everything you want to know about 1D except what color knickers they’re wearing in their photos or whether or not Niall makes those earth-shattering cupcakes from scratch. Maybe those factoids will be in the next book!