How To Make Your Partner Feel Better About Not Getting Hard

No matter how much you and your partner might be in the mood for sex, it doesn’t mean the equipment is always up and ready to go. In those cases, and they do happen, it’s important to make your partner feel like it’s not a big deal if they can’t get an erection. Sh*t happens, and sometimes it happens when you really don’t want it to.

There can be many reasons why a partner might not be able to get hard. For starters, if there’s been a lot of drinking going on, then forget it. Also stress and other concerns, can totally play a hand in a partner not getting aroused. But while it’s normal and it happens, the problem is once someone has had a run-in with a situation where they're not functioning like they usually do, it can lead to performance anxiety for future romps. It’s like it seeps into their brain, and it’s always in there, even weeks and months after the incident. What this means for you, as their partner, is you need to put their mind at ease. You need to let them know that it’s totally fine, and you two will tackle it together.

1. Don’t Take It Personally

The most important thing you can do is to not take it personally. Just because your partner can’t get an erection, doesn’t have some sort of bearing on either your techniques or their attraction to you. I realize it might be difficult to realize this, but in this particular situation it’s not about you.

2. Don’t Freak Out

Once you’ve realized that, “Oh, wow, this has nothing to do with me,” your next move is to be cool and make sure he knows it's NBD. Don’t freak out because he can't get hard; don’t get mad, don’t get in a huff about it, and don't be pissy. Instead, take a step outside the scenario and realize this is harder for your partner than it is for you.

3. Reassure Them That It’s Fine

Even if you’ve never, ever, in your life been with a someone who can’t get hard, this doesn’t mean you can’t fake it a bit. Letting them know that they’re not the first nor the last to have this happen to them, is going to ease their mind. Even if they already know that to be a fact, people still like to hear it again and again. Reassurance makes people feel better.

4. Don’t Ask If This Has Happened Before

With roughly 20 to 30 million American men dealing with reoccurring erectile dysfunction, of all ages, this isn’t a very polite question to ask. Like, how does one respond to such a thing even if it isn’t the first time?  Whatever you do, don’t put him on the spot and make him feel even more self-conscious. Instead, wait for him to open up to you.

5. Ask How You Can Help

Although you might get a response along the lines of never wanting to talk about it again and just rolling over to go to sleep, you always want to put it out there that you want to help and they can talk to you about it. You want to do whatever it takes, free of judgment, to make sure they realize that despite this little mishap, they're still awesome in bed and this incident is nothing. Because, unless it becomes a regular problem, it IS nothing. 

However, if it continues, then it’s best that you talk to him about seeing a doctor, just in case it’s a physical issue that needs to be resolved. Erectile dysfunction can be a sign of diabetes, heart disease, and other possible ailments. None of which are a good time.

Want more of Bustle's Sex and Relationships coverage, check out our video on sex positions for small penises:

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