The dating world is brutal these days, but don't take my word for it. Rather, let me introduce you to London-based author Lauren Crouch, and the date so bad it's starting an #Ocadoandchill revolution as we speak. Well, to be fair, the date itself wasn't entirely terrible — it was what came after that caused the collective jaw drop of Crouch and every other single mingler who has come across the story on her blog, No Bad Dates, Just Good Stories. But first, a bit of exposition.
According to her profile, Crouch decided to chronicle her disasters in dating in the wake of heartbreak. Her relationship with the guy — the one she'd sized up as her Big Love — had just ended, so she was wading back into the dating pool. What has since ensued — and been hilariously recapped by Crouch — are a string of dates so awful they border on unreal. Only they are real, comically tragic though they may be, and we all have the good fortune of sharing in Crouch's misfortune. Which brings us to the present, and the 28-year-old blogger's recent recap titled "#Ocadoandchill."
Still bummed about the departure of a lovely man in her life who just left for America, Crouch turned to Tinder in an attempt to assuage her suffering. Her reintroduction into Tinder dating got off to a shaky start, though, when her first back-on-the-scene date rebuffed the suggestion to meet at a pub in favor of dipping into a generic coffee franchise — not, mind you, the cute local shop across the street as that would require, heaven forbid, crossing the street.
After what she describes to be 25 minutes of "normal conversation," said date attempts to woo her back to his place under the guise of an Ocado delivery. (For fellow Staters, Ocado is an online supermarket.) And when the promise of "lots of nice fresh vegetables and good fish" doesn't inspire Crouch to drive to the home of a virtual stranger and not eat dinner — wink wink, nudge nudge — her date simply ducks out. Hey, what kind of guy would he be if he stood up an Ocado delivery, right?
Alas, what happened next is so insane, I've decided to break it down into more palatable bite size portions. So, take a seat (Are you sitting yet? You should sit down for this) and check out five dating lessons to learn from the #Ocadoandchill guy.
No One Is Obligated To Give You Their Attention
After Crouch and the date said their goodbyes, this text exchange followed.
First, let it be said that Crouch's responses are spot-on. She was kind, she didn't play any mind games — she was honest and sincere. Yet the date still presses, suggesting they owe it to each other to see this connection past the first encounter. But you know and I know that which this dude clearly has failed to grasp: that no one is obligated to give you their attention, no matter how much you want it. Take an #Ocadoandchill-pill, guy.
Dates Don't Come With Money Back Guarantees
And then this. This!
I KNOW, you guys. I know. I feel as though I've fallen through some wormhole by which I was transported into an alternate world where it is OK to ask a woman to give you a refund if you don't like the way the date plays out. It's the kind of reality in which peanut butter and chocolate cease to coexist and Gilmore Girls isn't getting a limited series return on Netflix — so, basically, everything is the worst. As Crouch aptly points out, "I don't come with a money back guarantee. Dates aren't commodities."
You Do Decide What To Do With Your Money, So Deal With Your Choices Accordingly
For her part, Crouch once again responds with class instead of returning his crass. Can I be her when I grow up?
And, perhaps even more amazingly, her date still isn't content.
The flaw in his logic? Oh yes, that he did in fact decide what to do with his money. He decided to spend it on coffee for himself and his Tinder date. That was his decision. He should figure out a way to make peace with it.
But Giving A Stranger Your Banking Info Is
See No. 3 and don't. Just, don't.
#Ocadoandchill Isn't Necessarily A Bad Idea
Thanks to Crouch's post, #Ocadoandchill — borrowing from the cultural phenomenon that is #Netflixandchill — is now officially a thing. And you know what? I don't hate it. If executed properly (i.e. totally unlike El Douche on Crouch's date), who wouldn't want to #Ocadoandchill? No wonder it's the new Tinder pickup line of choice for single Londoners.
As for the #Ocadoandchill guy, hey, here's hoping things are going better with your groceries than your dating cred. Wire me your bank info, and I'll refund Crouch's four-dollar coffee — Scout's honor. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an #Ocadoandchill playlist to create.