At some point in my adult life I will have to come to terms with the fact that I can't date fictional characters, but thankfully, THAT DAY IS NOT TODAY. And to celebrate the complete stunting of my romantic growth, I've gone ahead and and imagined what it would be like to date your favorite character from Harry Potter . Feel free to join me in this journey of denying your parents any living, non-fictional grandchildren by reading onward, and seeing exactly what it would be like to call your fave witches and wizards "bae".
If this seems like an unabashed, blunt publication of my fan fiction, that's because it is. But it's time we stop lying to ourselves and face facts: even those of you who have steady significant others you love very much in the ~real world~ would probably drop them like a Sorting Hat to date someone in the Potter-verse. So get off your high hippogriff and lean into this daydream with me. Here's what it would be like to date your favorite character from Harry Potter, from your first date to how you say I love you to where you're getting hitched (DIBS ON REMUS LUPIN, EVERYONE ELSE CAN SUCK A DOXY):
Hermione Granger
Where you'd go on your first date: A cozy little tucked away coffee shop on a rainy afternoon, full of books and old newspapers.
How you'd spend quality time together: Reading books side by side on the weatherproof love seat on your porch and attending rallies for the justice and equality of underprivileged nonhuman creatures.
What you'd fight about: Butterbeer loosened your tongue and you called it "spew" instead of spelling out S.P.E.W.; she accidentally squashed your Chocolate Frog card collection under all her books.
Their version of I love you: Uncreasing the indents you left in a book to keep your place, and shoving a sweet little bookmark in there that she wrote your favorite quote on in calligraphy.
Where you'd get married: Somewhere quiet in the south of France.
Ron Weasley
Where you'd go on your first date: Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes (although neither of you called it a date, to be fair, you're just sort of holding hands in a TOTALLY PLATONIC — oops).
How you'd spend quality time together: Playing Wizard's chess, listening to Lee Jordan commentate on the latest Chudley Cannons game.
What you'd fight about: You discover Ron's copy of 12 Fail-Safe Ways To Charm Witches/Wizards and realize he has used them all on you (and his mother); Ron discovers a fan letter to Victor Krum you forgot to send a decade ago.
Their version of I love you: Quietly leaving out your favorite snack on the table when you come home from work late.
Where you'd get married: The Burrow (duh).
Harry Potter
Where you'd go on your first date: An after work Happy Hour in Diagon Alley with your fellow Aurors that turns into a little something ~more~.
How you'd spend quality time together: Comfortable in the quiet of each other's company; having playful, nonverbal duels in the hallway to prank each other.
What you'd fight about: You started calling him "Fleamont" as a cute little nickname; you woke up the next morning covered in Sleekeazy.
Their version of I love you: Praising something you've done as really brave.
Where you'd get married: I mean, probably The Burrow. The Burrow's having a lot of weddings, I s'pose.
Ginny Weasley
Where you'd go on your first date: A Weird Sisters concert.
How you'd spend quality time together: Apparating to mountain ranges all around the world for hiking adventures, ironically binge-watching Charmed.
What you'd fight about: You disagree on a call the ref made in favor of the Holyhead Harpies; Ginny leaves her dirty Quidditch robes all over the house.
Their version of I love you: She aims her broom straight for your regular spot on the sidelines after every game to crash-hug you, whether she wins or loses.
Where you'd get married: The Burrow.
Fred Weasley
Where you'd go on your first date: Vegas. "Trust me," he said, before you side-Apparated into the most WTF night of your life.
How you'd spend quality time together: Experimenting somewhat recklessly with new ideas for Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes, using each other as test subjects; discovering the magic of viral prank videos by Muggles.
What you'd fight about: He Polyjuice Potion'd himself as Snape and scared the life out of you; you replaced his wand with one of his own trick wands and he took it all the way to work.
Their version of I love you: Enchanting a temporary tattoo in the likeness of your face on his butt and flashing you on the reg.
Where you'd get married: The Shrieking Shack. Just kidding, The Burrow, jeez.
George Weasley
Where you'd go on your first date: A Muggle movie with a bunch of special effects, where he intermittently exclaims, "OH MY GOD, IT'S JUST LIKE MAGIC!"
How you'd spend quality time together: Going to strange, exotic places to find rare ingredients for Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes; shoving your heads into unsuspecting friends' fireplaces unannounced whenever you get drunk.
What you'd fight about: You pranked him by calling him Fred in bed and it was the one time he didn't find it so ~hilarious~; he left Peruvian Darkness Powder laying out in the kitchen and you'll never get your cookies out of the oven now, dammit.
Their version of I love you: Sending you a howler that screams "I LOVE YOU" followed by several other PG-13 implications in the middle of your workday.
Where you'd get married: The Forbidden Forest, because one of you definitely lost a bet.
Luna Lovegood
Where you'd go on your first date: To a reading at Flourish and Blott's given by one of the great adventurers of the day.
How you'd spend quality time together: Discovering new breeds of magical animals in exotic lands; starting the first Wizard form of geocaching (hunting for Horcruxes doesn't count).
What you'd fight about: You don't fight, really. You just lightly disagree and move on.
Their version of I love you: Protecting you from the Nargles while you're sleeping.
Where you'd get married: Somewhere in Sweden, among the Crumple-Horned Snorkacks.
Draco Malfoy
Where you'd go on your first date: A fancy restaurant in Diagon Alley.
How you'd spend quality time together: You mostly keep to yourselves, going on long walks, talking about your families.
What you'd fight about: Your parents still vehemently disapprove of the relationship; he still has trouble letting go of old prejudices, especially in the heat of the moment.
Their version of I love you: Intense and meaningful eye contact.
Where you'd get married: An abandoned castle magicked to its original splendor.
Neville Longbottom
Where you'd go on your first date: You met abroad, during the customary year of traveling after graduation from Hogwarts, so really, that was your first date.
How you'd spend quality time together: Picking out plants for your non-magical and magical gardens, on opposite sides of the house; home-brewing your own butterbeer for when your friends come over.
What you'd fight about: He finds out the hard way you put a Silencing Charm on his snores when he wakes up without a voice; he accidentally breaks your iPod trying to figure out what this strange Muggle contraption does.
Their version of I love you: Making you breakfast in bed on a Tuesday, just because.
Where you'd get married: A big open meadow with flowers up the wazoo.
Remus Lupin
Where you'd go on your first date: A tranquil walk through the park (where you are inevitably interrupted by your meddling friends).
How you'd spend quality time together: Heading to the Wizarding farmer's market together in the early mornings; going on camping trips; secretly pranking your unsuspecting friends with nonverbal spells and blaming it on Sirius.
What you'd fight about: Even after all this time, he is reluctant to let you see him in werewolf form; also, you both fundamentally disagree on how to properly cook steak.
Their version of I love you: Chocolate — anytime, anywhere. (Winky face?)
Where you'd get married: A sweet little inn at Hogsmeade with plenty of room for all your friends.
Nymphadora Tonks
Where you'd go on your first date: All over the place. Come dressed for anything. And bring a bathing suit.
How you'd spend quality time together: Buying whatever new gadgets and pranks from Weasleys' Wizards Wheezes you can get your hands on, and inflicting them on each other; racing each other on broomstick over large bodies of water just because.
What you'd fight about: She changed her outside form so drastically in Diagon Alley that you couldn't find her for hours — and when you did, you mistook an old woman for her (woops!).
Their version of I love you: Her hair and eyes are especially vibrant whenever you're around.
Where you'd get married: Her parent's house.
Severus Snape
Where you'd go on your first date: Somewhere secluded in nature, where other people wouldn't bother you.
How you'd spend quality time together: Stretching the boundaries of known potions and co-creating your own; sharing things that you've read that made you think of the other.
What you'd fight about: You can totally tell when he's prying into your brain with his Occlumency skills, now that you're somewhat practiced in it yourself; he is uncomfortable speaking too much about his past.
Their version of I love you: Sending a Patronus ahead of him to let you know when he's almost home.
Where you'd get married: Privately, at home.
Sirius Black
Where you'd go on your first date: Somewhere with a bunch of your friends, where the two of you would break off on your own and let it gradually become a date.
How you'd spend quality time together: Exploring the most haunted and legendary magical places the world over; competing over who makes the best toast, aka the only thing either of the two of you can cook.
What you'd fight about: He is upset at the idea of you adopting a pet dog, because he's overly jealous of the affection you'd give it already; you used so many "Sirius" puns that that he's Sirius-ly done with you.
Their version of I love you: Licking your face. As a dog. Sheesh. (OK, sometimes as a human, too.)
Where you'd get married: On top of a crazy high cliff, over the sea, just as a storm brews on the horizon.
Images: Warner Bros; Giphy
