The winter season usually starts off promising enough, with peppermint cake pops and wooly cardigans on the brain. But then most of us quickly slide into our yearly routine of winter fashion mistakes that leave us looking like children. As we're comfortably sitting in the crispness of fall, we're usually think about how the year will only get cozier. Fleece-lined tights are just around the corner, as are scarves the size of blankets, and beanies you can artfully style on your head. Booties will get their chance to shine, along with that fabulous coat you nabbed during an end-of-season sale last year. So much hope. So much promise.
That is until the first gust of wind topples you over and the snow-slush puddle nearly trips you. After that, it's all downhill. You begin to care less about what you wear and more about not letting the elements murder you. Interestingly enough, though, we seem to have a tendency to resemble our 6-year-old selves during this time, whereby floppy winter hats become sartorial options and coats as big as marshmallows are zipped up and strapped in. Mismatched gloves get put on and sweaters ugly as sin but more comfortable than cashmere become our go-to's. Below are 11 times our winter wardrobes will make us look as though we were trying to dress like a kid. Personally, I'm 100 percent cool with it all.
1. When You Take Off Your Hat And Look Like You Haven't Showered In Four Days
Ah, hat hair. The bane of our winter existence. Why bother spending the morning arranging it if the moment you take off your hat your hair will turn into a static puff ball, flattened in some places and and tangled into a sweaty mess in others? You look like you just crawled out of the ball pit at a jungle gym, with the only thing missing being some chocolate cake smeared across your face. Which, let's be honest, can be easily arranged...
2. When You Bundle Up To Marshmallow Proportions
Once that polar vortex swooshes down to your city, you go into survival mode and prepare to battle the tundra that is your commute. During mornings like these, you'll likely put on your chunkiest knit followed by two coats just for good measure, plumping yourself up to Mom-let's-go-play-in-the-snow proportions.
3. When Your Outerwear Is Mismatched And You Could Care Less
You've got your neon beanie on, your leather gloves, your sparkly scarf, and your fur-lined snow boots clashing against your classic pea coat, making you look like your mom let you dress yourself this morning. All you need is pants on your head, and you'll be good to go.
4. When You Have Your Most Intimidating Snow Shoes On
Many of us might like to think that we can make it to March wearing nothing but our pretty leather booties, looking like something off of Stockholm Streetstyle every time we hop off a bus or run into a restaurant. But when does that actually happen? Salt gets dumped onto sidewalks, crosswalks aren't shoveled, and black ice waits like a prank in front of bars and apartment buildings. That's when the furry, I've-descended-from-the-Vikings boots come out, and you end up looking like you're ready to climb the highest hill and wage a snowball war full of fury and triumph.
5. When You Bundle Your Scarf Up To Your Eyebrows
Remember all those times before school when your mom bundled your scarf up to your hairline and then put a hat on down to your eyebrows just for good measure? And you'd groan and pull at the bundle like it was choking you, demanding it release you? Well, mom was right, and you're not about to walk out into that winter chill with a scarf just artfully draped around your throat. No one has time for that, unless they have time for pneumonia.
6. When You Wear Nothing But Kitschy Sweaters For A Month Straight
What is it about scratchy, thrift-inspired sweaters that make them the warmest things imaginable? They're borderline hideous and act like throwbacks from your third grade wardrobe, but damn if they don't toast you right up.
7. When You Opt For The Marshmallow Hat
Most of us have that one hat in our closet that isn't what you'd call, um, totally socially acceptable. It looks like a cotton ball with ear flaps and makes you feel like you're waiting for the school bus to round the corner. But it's also the warmest, most cozy thing your head has ever had the pleasure to be nestled into. Some days it'll hurt your heart to put it on, but when that January wind comes barreling down the street, you'll be happy you left the thin, stylish beanie at home.
8. When You're Wearing Icelandic Print Head To Toe
Your sweater has reindeer on it, your mittens are in the iconic red, white, and brown pattern, your hat and scarf follow the print, and chances are if you could find a coat with the cozy winter pattern you'd have that on, too. It can't be helped, though. It's like you're bundled in the most festive wrapping paper you could get your hands on, and that feels good. Avoiding this print is like avoiding hot chocolate during the winter: sacrilegious.
9. When You Buy Mitten Clips Because You're Tired Of Losing Mittens Every Week
All you have to do is step outside and you see gloves near curbs, abandoned by apartment doors, and dropped in the middle of the streets. It's like the lot of them are on a mission to get away from us and taste freedom. The moment you buy mitten clips for your coat might not be your proudest, but just think of all the savings you'll have from not having to buy a new pair every other week instead.
10. When Pompoms Are On Everything
On your beanies, on your berets, at the ends of your scarves, dangling from your mittens, hell, they're even on shoelaces. Your obsession with pompoms will remind you of the days of storing your jacket into your cubbie after recess. But sometimes what's adorable doesn't change.
11. When You Wear Bright Tights Because The Sea Of Black Is Killing You
You open your closet and it's a wall of different shades of black and gray. You step outside and the whole city is huddled into charcoal coats and power-walking in black, salt-stained boots. You step into a cafe and the majority of coffee-drinkers and newspaper-readers are bundled into dark knits and darker jeans. Feeling a little stir crazy, you'll probably bust out the red or mustard tights, adding a little pep to your skirt or dress.
So, you might feel like second grade you during picture day throughout the winter. But you were sartorially wise then, and you are sartorially wise now.
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Images: Marlen Komar (4)
