It's happening. The season is upon us. Yes, Christmas, New Years, the holidays, etc. — but also the most anticipated month of movies 2015 has to offer. I am a mess of nerves trying to decide what to watch and when because there are several movies this season that I don't want to miss while they're still in the cinema. I ain't watching no Star Wars movie on some ant-sized TV, that's for sure. With many of us gearing up to go home for the holidays, probably mostly excited at seeing family and old friends but knowing that an escape will be necessary, the next week or two is ripe for movie magic. What better way to spend time with family when you're sick of hearing them talk than to sit in darkness and watch Tina Fey play a fortysomething "bad girl"? And then after the movie you've got plenty more to talk about with your fam than your questionable lifestyle choices. It's a win-win situation.
There are a lot of great looking movies coming out this season (and a few not-so-great-but-still-kind-of-want-to-see-them movies), so you're probably not going to be able to see them all around Christmas. Although if you don't celebrate Christmas, the cinema is your oyster. You're going to have to make some pretty hard decisions over the next week or so. Here's what the new release movie you decide to see over Christmas says about you:
1. Star Wars: The Force Awakens
You're either deeply nostalgic, a huge nerd, or a giant band wagoner. The Force is with you either way. There's no way to really tell though, because basically everyone wants to see Star Wars this Christmas. You are everyone. You are not unique. I am not unique. We are all Star Wars this Christmas.
You're a woman. You believe Tina Fey was the apex of Weekend Update. 30 Rock and/or Parks & Rec are your bible(s). Mean Girls. You burp loud and when people say things to you like "You burp like a dude" you burp again and flip them the bird. You do things like a person, and resent statements that end in "for a girl". You're funny as sh*t. Can we be best friends and go see Sisters together, please?
You're too scared to see horror movies with anything over a PG rating, but you love non-traditional Christmas movies and comic books. You've been waiting for Krampus the way everyone else has been waiting for Star Wars. You believe in ghosts and wish you were a Ghost Buster.
4. The Hateful Eight
You're a movie buff, and have many opinions on the Tarantino cannon. You were deeply disappointed in Django, and are looking forward to the three hour epic that will hopefully redeem your hero. You talk like an episode of Gilmore Girls with all your cultural references, and take a moment to compute when people don't know the names of obscure producers and writers you casually drop into conversation. You're interested in the infrastructure of movies, and take a lot of time getting information on the hows and whys of movie making. That, or you just like movies with lots of swearing and killing.
5. The Revenant
You're dark. You read a lot and you're not afraid to "go there" in dinner party discussions. No topic is off limits. You don't mind feeling uncomfortable at the movies — in fact, you like it. You think it's blasphemy that Leo hasn't won an Oscar yet.
You have deep feels about the NFL. You also have deep feels about movies about deep feels. You live for Oscar season. You're not particularly critical of pop culture.
7. Point Break
Let's face it: You were born in the late '90s. (What do I win?)
8. Daddy's Home
You're either a stoner or a Will Ferrell loyalist. Either way, you're chill. You don't go to movies just for critical reasons, and you like to be able to switch off and just laugh at dumb jokes. You're also probably 30 and think farts are funny.
9. Love The Coopers
You're a sucker for holiday movies, and are sentimental enough to find joy in even the cheesiest family Christmas comedies. Mostly, though, you also know you can watch Diane Keaton in anything and be happy.
See Concussion. Silver Linings Playbook is your favorite movie and you think Bradley Cooper is sexy. You have named all of your cleaning supplies "Jennifer" and "Lawrence" to emotionally prepare.