It happens every time: A new season of The Bachelor starts and a whole new string of amazing first dates begin. Without fail, I watch every new season of The Bachelor and start to bemoan all of my bad dates, convinced that they all pale in comparison. It’s only natural. How can any normal human being live up to first dates thought up, created, and paid for by creative producers whose job it is to build romance into an otherwise kinda awkward reality show? How else do you make 25 women vying for one man’s heart seem like the American dream? The only way to combat the weirdness of that premise is to make it seem super romantic. And how do you do that? With incredible dates, international travel, and more wine than probably any of us have the budget for. Because, let’s face it, the dates on The Bachelor are way different than dates in real life.
And, try as I might to remind myself of this fact, I still can’t help but be a little jealous that these women are getting trips to arctic glaciers, and I’m getting a cold walk in the rain. Everything is better on a Bachelor date, because everything has been orchestrated just the right way to make those dates look incredible. While I’m throwing back shots of tequila in a bar decorated to look like some pastel version of Mexico, the women on The Bachelor are throwing back tequila in actual Mexico. It really doesn’t compare. Because, let’s face it, dates on The Bachelor are way fancier than dates in real life.
On The Bachelor You Take A Helicopter To Your Destination
Equipped with headphones and seats close together for cuddling.
In Real Life You Uber It To A Bar On The Corner
And if you pray that your driver doesn’t go the wrong way.
On The Bachelor You Eat At A Table Set For Two
Overlooking some incredible scene where the waiters and other patrons are never seen.
In Real Life You Eat At Olive Garden
And spend half of the meal leaning forward to hear what your date is saying over the kid crying at the next table.
On The Bachelor You’re Serenaded By A Grammy Award-Winning Artist After Dinner
Accompanied by awkward dating and trying not to trip over your ball gown.
In Real Life You Are Lucky If The Bar Has A Jukebox
Five plays for a dollar. Can’t beat that.
On The Bachelor You Wear A Ball Gown
That is incredibly unlike anything else you have worn in the last 30 days of ball gowns.
In Real Life You Wear Jeans And A Shirt That Was Balled Up On Your Floor
Bonus points for spraying it with perfume and taking the time to iron it.
On The Bachelor You Exchange Heartfelt Letters
After a few hours of knowing each other. Which never seems weird to anyone involved.
In Real Life You Go Home And Overanalyze All Of Their Text Messages
A seven-page love letter would really come in handy when you’re agonizing over the way they use commas, now wouldn’t it?
On The Bachelor You Talk About Exes, Marriage, And How Many Children You Each Want
Because there is only one thing you’re working toward on this date, and that thing is marriage.
In Real Life You Avoid Talking About The Past Or The Future
Any mention of marriage, his future children, or his ex-girlfriend would send you running for the hills. Be honest.
On The Bachelor Your First Kiss Is To The Sound Of Violins Swelling
Cleverly placed to make the sucking face sounds disappear in the mic.
In Real Life Your First Kiss Is To The Sound Of Sirens Going By
Because your city’s fire and rescue squad has no sense of romantic timing.
It’s no wonder that you’d want to go on a Bachelor date over a date in real life, but just remember how unrealistic those dates are. Or, if that doesn’t help, read up on the number of Bachelor couples who have actually made it past the first year. Those sobering numbers will make you quickly realize that all of that hyper-romantic posturing has nothing to do with building a strong relationship, helicopter or no helicopter.
Image: Giphy (8); ABC (6)