Winter is B.S.: What Cold Weather Feels Like to a Texan

For whatever reason, Mother Nature is feeling like a vindictive bitch lately. In case you haven’t left the house since the last weather shitstorm, it’s cold as hell out there. The first “polar vortex” (which literally sounds like Dante’s description of the cold part of Hell) hit earlier this year, but now it looks like we’re in store for round two.

Washington D.C. is expected to get around seven god-awful inches of snow, and airlines across the country have cancelled over 2,200 flights because of gross weather conditions on the East Coast. Here in Texas, it’s 41 degrees — an utter paradise for those of you stuck in NYC or Philly. For me, the person who doesn’t even own a real coat, it’s terrible.

I know, I know, everyone in the greater Northeast is going to tell me to quit complaining and go back to driving cattle or whatever, but it’s still miserable. It was a pleasant 70-something degrees here yesterday, and I want to go sit on a patio and drink margaritas, OK? Because I can’t, here’s five reasons why cold weather is complete and total bullshit — especially for people who aren't used to it.

1. Precipitation

(This is me leaving my apartment)

The only time snow is awesome is in the movies. In reality, it’s freezing sludge that makes driving to get donuts treacherous and sometimes gets my feet wet. If you get actual snow, you’re doing better than those of us in the South. We get ice, which looks completely normal until you’ve smashed your face into the concrete railing on the side of a building.

2. Heating systems

(Nicole is super upset about her scaly skin.)

The heater feels great when you walk in from the blizzard or polar winds, but it sucks for just about everything else. It makes your skin all dry and itchy, makes your apartment all stuffy, and gives some people weird nosebleeds. Obviously these are all #firstworldproblems, but my toes are cold and I’m pretty pissed about it.

3. Layering

(No one else looks this good putting on a thick-ass coat.)

Layering clothes is cool until you need 76 different shirts, camisoles, jackets, and coats to even venture outside of your home. Of course, when you get on the train or into your car, it suddenly becomes 9,000 degrees and you’re forced to strip down to something that won’t make you sweat like a pig. While that creepy guy across the way watches.

4. Being stuck inside

(Pam is sad because she realized there are no more episodes of White Collar on Netflix.)

For homebodies like me, at-home time is precious and sacred. Sometimes, though, I need to get the hell out of my house and away from the bitchy cats and the boyfriend who is telling me science factoids. Stir-craziness sets in after you’ve watched all the good stuff on Netflix and then you’re left to decide whether or not you’re going to be that asshole who makes the pizza delivery guy drive across town in arctic temps to bring you two entire large pepperoni pies so that you can eat your feelings. Whatever you decide, I won’t judge you.

5. Getting out of the shower

(Tobias is sobbing because he knows how damn cold it is out there.)

A hot shower is practically the only way to warm all your bits that this polar vortex asshole tried to freeze off while you were outside. Once you’ve exhausted all the hot water, though, the temperature of your bathroom suddenly drops approximately one million degrees. All you can do is try to dry yourself off fast enough to not die before you can get back under your mountain of blankets and never leave again.

If you read this list and think that all of the “fun” aspects of cold weather make all of this torture worth it, we cannot be friends. I live in a place where it gets to be over 110 degrees for a large portion of the summer AND freezes in the winter, so I think I’m pretty much an expert on extreme weather and trust me, it sucks.