Here's the thing: cats hate me. This is not an empty grandiose statement, or a funny quip to entertain the masses — it's the cold hard truth that I learned about myself. Trust me, if I could change this fact, I would. I've tried many times to get on a cat's good side, yet I've never been successful. They see me as a figure of annoyance and no matter how much love I throw their way all I get in return are scratches; painful red streaks that serve as a reminder that I will never be a cat person no matter what.
When I was around five years old my dog Buddy, a springer spaniel puppy, got run over by a car. My parents, to this day, refuse to tell me this and instead stick to the story of her running away (my grandmother spilled the beans long ago so the JIG IS UP FAMILY, I KNOW THE TRUTH!!!). In an attempt to shield me from the pain they got me a tiny gray kitten named Barsik (pronounced bar-seek) who was a literal demon. I'm not kidding. He was small and grey. He would perch himself on a table across from me and just stare for hours as I watched TV. I would try to play with him, kiss him, but he was having none of it. Instead, he would jump up onto my cabinet where no one could reach him, until my father came home. That is my only memory of ever owning and playing with a cat.
Cats are a mystery to me, which is why I am always asking my friends to explain them to me. I've never been able to get straight answers. Anyway, if you are a dog lover like me, here are a few questions to ask your cat lover friends. If you get any real answers feel free to let me know!
1. Why Do You Love Cats?
Not that there isn't a lot to love about cats, I just genuinely like hearing why people love them so much. The reasons are often the same as dog lovers, but still.
2. Do Cats Love?
It seems that from my personal experience with cats, they do not strongly love humans. Its a symbiotic relationship based on catnip and fluffy toys. I want to be proven wrong, Internet. Prove me wrong!
3. What Do Cats Eat?
What is in those tiny little jars? How many times a day do you feed a cat? Do they like fish or is that a myth made up by the fish corporations to sell more products?
4. Why Do Cats Always Lick Themselves?
How clean do they need to be? Every time I looked over at my friends cat, she was licking her butt area. I guess that's a really convenient pet.
5. Why Do Cats Never Snuggle With Me?
Seriously. Why? Why do they never want to crawl into my lap and just sleep. I don't need face licks or waging tails from them. I just want an acknowledgement of my existence!
6. How Do You Play With Cats?
What exactly is playing with cats? I know with a dog its all about fetching and rough housing. Cats seems like they like a mystery. Shoes strings and lasers seem to be the Internet's solution.
7. Will Cats Actually Hunt Mice?
I don't have a mouse problem in my apartment but it is always a good idea to have all your bases covered. So is this true or am I going to have to invest in exterminators?
8. Can Cats Go To The Bathroom In A Toilet?
Did Meet The Parents totally lie to me or can cats actually pee and poop in a toilet?
9. What The Hell Is Cat Litter Made Off?
It seems like its space dirt that magically clumps up poop and pee. Unless someone explains this to me, I will be in the dark.
10. Why Do Some Cats Go Outside And Some Stay Inside?
Is it a breed thing or is it a training your personal cat thing? Can I turn an outside cat back into an inside cat and vice versa? This is important.
11. How Do Cats Jump So High?
It's like there are springs in those fur balls! Seriously, it's actually pretty magical to watch.
12. Why Can Cats Go Up Trees But Not Down?
It's like, if you can claw your way up, you can get down. Right? Wrong. Call the fireman brigade or get a ladder because this kitten is never coming down. Instead they will meow their way into getting human help.
13. Is It True That Cat Penises Are Spiked?
This is a rumor I've been hearing about, and I personally would like an answer. Take your time.
14. Why Does It Hurt When A Cat Licks Me?
It doesn't feel really nice when a cat licks me. Why is that? Is the spike thing on their tongue and not their penises?
15. Why Do You Always Tell Me Your Cat Is Different?
Every time you tell me that even though all other cats hate me yours won't. And guess what? They end up hating me. Why?!
16. Do Dogs and Cats Really Hate Each Other?
I have a feelings it's a mutual respect rather than malicious hate. I also can't help but think that cats look at dogs as their bro-y friend that likes to play ball and watching the game.
17. How Smart Are Cats?
I know that dogs can be very smart and loyal, but comparatively, how smart are cats?
I think those are all the questions I, as a dog lover, have for cat lovers. I'm sure I'll think of more later on, but in the meantime, cat lovers — get on it.
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