Look, Gen Y. I tried. I'm just not feeling it. I've lived on this earth long enough to know that I am not a cat person, and I never will be. And to be honest, I didn't realize until the last few years, around the time when cats started taking over the internet, what a problem that was going to be. I can remember quite clearly when the tides shifted out of my favor: I was on a date, and it was going splendidly. We were flirt-talking in the parking lot afterward, gearing up for some face kissing like the horny teens we were, when the guy mentioned that he couldn't wait for me to meet his cat. I laughed. It seemed appropriate. I mean, he was kidding, right?
He was not. He looked at me very solemnly, turned off the ignition to his car, and asked, "Are you not a cat person?"
He asked this with the kind of conviction that somebody might ask me if I had burned down his best friend's house and recently escaped prison for it. He was deadly serious. He wanted me to love this aggressively apathetic fur ball. I should have known right then and there that if his deepest emotional connection in life was with a heartless animal who would probably eat his corpse before it was cold that it was never gonna work out between us, but guys, we dated anyway, and I pretended to like that cat for years.
I will confess that I recently met one cat that I did make friends with, so I'm not like, blanket prejudiced against cats. I knew I was living with the right kind of roommate when I told her I met this nice cat and she said, without a beat of hesitation, "Oh, so you met a dog?" I'm safe now, guys. I'm in a place that makes sense to me again.
And listen, cat people—I love you. I'm sure you're cool and great and whatever. Which is exactly why I'm telling you that cats have pulled the wool over your eyes for too long. They scratch, hiss, generally don't care whether we're alive or dead, and steal our pizza. Our pizza. STOP THE TYRANNY NOW, BEFORE EVOLUTION GIVES THEM OPPOSABLE THUMBS AND THEY END US ALL.
Am I going to hell for this? For sure. But all y'all's cats are coming with me.
In the meantime, here are a few of the struggles I will have to endure as a non-cat person until Satan finally claims me:
Cats absolutely know when you hate them
People never have to tell me when they have cats, because those cats will worm their way out of their secret demon-casting holes in the floor and find me before their owners can even open their mouths. And, true to form, said cats will ignore all self-professed "cat people" and spare their cat torment exclusively for me—a torment in which they pretend to be my bro, I fall for it, and then they scratch the living meow out of me.
NOT THIS TIME, CATS. Not this time.
Taylor Swift won't ever be your bestie
One sunny spring morn a bluebird will fly into my window with a glitter ribbon with an envelope written in calligraphy attached to its little foot. When I open the letter a butterfly will flutter out, and I will read that Taylor Swift has finally (finally) decided to formally invite me into her Super Exclusive BFF Group. I'll write back in my own blood, agreeing to hold her shoe whenever she mounts a bicycle and only talk in her lyrics back at her once or twice a week, and send the bird back.
The first call will come the next day. "Did you see the video I posted of Meredith and Olivia last night?" Taylor will ask.
"Yeah," I'll say. "So cute."
Silence on the airwaves. "Just...cute?" Taylor will ask.
It's too late. All I hear is dial tone and the sound of my own crushed dreams.
Everyone assumes dog people are dumb
I get it. Dogs are derpy and cats are the smartest thing since science. But riddle me this, cat people: Can any of you do this?
Errr. On second thought. Moving right along...
Christmas is now officially the worst
How did we all just sit back and let Grumpy Cat take over Christmas last year? She stole all of the attention from Baby Jesus, and it wasn't even her birthday. #Rude
Our Instagrams are hella boring
Here's another picture of my not-cat not doing things. Enjoy.
We pretty much have the thinnest skin ever
I have always been a chronic people pleaser, to the insufferable degree of Jess Day in New Girl, who once said to another character, "I won't be able to sleep until you like me." (PREACH.) You know who isn't like this? Cat people. Because their cats are senselessly, shamelessly, unapologetically mean to them on the reg, so they're like "whatevs" when a human is mean to them in the real world. I've spent so long avoiding cats that my skin will never be as thick.
Your cat-friendly friends are super judgey
There are five stages of cat people discovering you are not a cat person: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and assaulting your eyes with cat memes. There is never acceptance.
99.9% of the internet is cat videos
The other .01% is Kim Kardashian's butt. In other words, we are not welcome here, unless we are staring (again) at Kim Kardashian's butt.
You'll never be a crazy cat lady
Being a crazy cat lady is so chic right now, and really, there's no equivalent "crazy dog lady" because people would just default call you "that really baller lady with a bunch of dogs". It just doesn't have the same finesse. So what now? Do I become a crazy iguana lady? A crazy parakeet lady? I sense retirement is going to become more expensive and time-consuming that I'd planned.
The FOMeOw is so so real
Honesty hour, guys: I wanted to be a cat person. I've tried to be a cat person. It's just that every cat I have met is not a "person cat," in that they hate people, most of all me. And I see y'all laughing over your LolCats and 'gramming your "woke up like dis" next to your furry friends and yeah, I'm jealous. OK? ARE YOU HAPPY?! I want your life, but I'm here, firmly rooted in the camp of logic and order and righteousness instead of the cat-ostrophic chaos the rest of you live in. I can't drink the Cat Aid. Woe is me.
You'll be the first to go when our cat overlords take over the earth
This last one is a joke. A joke because CATS HAVE ZERO LOYALTIES AND WHEN WE GO DOWN TO THEIR MIGHTY PAWS, THE REST OF YOU "CAT PEOPLE" ARE GOING DOWN WITH US. I'll be laughing at you and your cat memes in HELL.