We Need to Talk About Dave Coulier

by Alicia Lutes

Who knew, right? I mean, of all the child stars in the world, no one ever would've imagined that Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen could be considered stabilizing forces. But, as evidenced from the Super Bowl commercial, the men of Full House have revealed — by way of the John Stamos-fronted Oikos Greek yogurt campaign — it might be time for us all to reconsider that fact. Because these men, these grown-ass dudes, have seemingly completely regressed into boyish dudebro antic instigators — mostly thanks to Dave Coulier. Sounds like a mystery that needs to be solved. Maybe we need that actual reunion sooner than we thought.

The first teaser, which we already previously saw, shows the men, all living together again, after watching the Big Game (that's The Super Bowl for all you non-sporties out there). Pretty standard fare. But what happens after you delve further into the homelife of the three men with a love of milk men, paper boys, and evenin' TV, it's easy to see how and why the men have completely lost it in the wake of an Olsen-free existence. And while that dark, bleak road may be paved with the best of intentions (probiotics are very important to digestive health, after all), its machinations indicate a deeper, darker force lurking within: the mens' regression into dudebros once more following Dave Coulier's descent into madness.

From looking at the first video, we can see a few things that are quite worrisome about the mens' appearance:

Why is Dave Coulier in a onesie? Why isn't John Stamos in equally-as-embarrassing PJs? And while Bob Saget may still be masquerading as the voice of reason in seriously dadded-out bed clothes, his willpower is clearly nonexistent. Someone must've stolen it. Maybe even eaten it instead of the yogurt, causing internal mental combustions. Hmm...Dave...?

In the next video, things show a turn for the vain...

Looks like somebody is insecure about how good Stamos is lookin' these days. (You should've trusted us on that probiotic tip.)

And from there, things just started to get weird. I mean — are we surprised? Joey Gladstone wasn't a father for a reason, folks.

And weirder still was the next.

Is he singing a song to fans of yogurt, or fans of himself and the increasingly decrepit image of a once-perfect 90s family and nation that is lost and gone forevermore?

And the whole thing is topped off with a serious moment: the moment Dave Coulier lost his grasp of reality and reverted back into a 2-dimensional caricature of himself, unable to differentiate between a human and a cardboard cutout:

Somebody, quick: call the Olsens. Dave Coulier needs this mental crime solved by dinner time.