Dear Joe Biden, Chris Christie, and Donald Trump: It's time to give up your presidential dreams. Hillary Clinton is here, and she's about to pull in some seven-figure checks — and for good reason, dammit. The largest liberal super PAC in the country, Priorities USA Action, has begun formal fundraising for the almost-presidential candidate, and is expected to pull in checks of six, seven, or eight figures (the mind boggles). Meanwhile, the New York Times Magazine is running a slightly odd "Planet Hillary" cover this weekend. It looks strange, but we understand what they're getting at...
Of course, Hillary hasn't officially announced her candidacy yet: all she's said is that she'll reach a decision sometime in 2014. But that hasn't stopped everybody and their mother from endorsing #Hillary2016, including every female member of the Democratic Party. And Hillary herself is ready to strike, if she so chooses: She has another super PAC, "Ready For Hillary," waiting in the wings; owns a political "hit list" that apparently ranks every member of Congress by their support for the Clintons; a political game plan that involves securing the female vote; and new bangs, to boot.
And sure, there's more than two and a half years to go before the 2016 election, but Priorities USA Action has already picked Team Hillary. Or Planet Hillary, if you ask the New York Times Magazine.
That Twitter caption isn't journalistic hyperbole, either. We have literally neither seen Hillary like that before. But we quite like it.
Priorities USA Action was fundamental for President Barack Obama's transition from long-shot candidate to two-term president, and by declaring themselves pro-Hillary, the super PAC has provided a means for people to begin donating to #TeamHillary before she's even announced her candidacy. In other words, if Hillary declares she doesn't want to run for president, Priorities USA Action is going to have a pretty awkward time of it. But if she does run (and be still, our beating hearts), she'll already have millions to throw at the campaign trail.
And yes, we really do mean millions. Ready For Hillary hasn't been able to accept donations over $25,000, but Priorities USA Action can accept million-dollar checks without blinking.
It's still far too early to begin making bets on the 2016 presidency, but analysts have suggested that #Bridgegate and the ensuing scandal could've ruined things for Chris Christie. Now-vice President Joe Biden has also expressed a clear interest in running for president — President Obama has refused to say who he'd vote for, though we can't wait to find out who he'll endorse — and big names like New York governor Andrew Cuomo and Health Secretary Kathleen Sebelius are reportedly in the running, too.
We desperately want to live in a universe that has a Planet Hillary, even if the New York Times Magazine has done a very poor Photoshop job with that one. Why is Hillary all bald and fleshy? Where are her new bangs? Is the NYT Magazine making the point that we'd all vote for her if she looked like that in real life? Because we totally would.