Us Weekly just released a list of "25 Things You Don't Know About Me" –– Juan Pablo Galavis edition. Notable facts are that he doesn't like coffee but likes coffee ice cream and he has excellent time management skills. (How else could he juggle dating 27 women?) Here and now, we'd like to introduce our own similar segment called "25 Things We Learned About Juan Pablo on Last Night's Episode of The Bachelor, as Told By Juan Pablo, Kind Of." It's a working title.
1. Not being a good role model for Camila is my biggest fear.
2. Seriously, it's such a big fear that I've now brought it up on two separate dates.
3. So for the sake of Camila when she watches this, I suddenly developed a conscience this episode and now no more kissing for me.
4. Gotta nip it in the bud since I've only kissed six girls so far.
5. Oops, I just kissed seven.
6. But she was just really sexy so I couldn't help it.
7. Sharleen has class.
8. I'm just going to say that literally every time I'm around her and keep telling her she's different from the other girls.
9. She's my favorite one right now. (Does that mean the show's over then? Just marry Sharleen.)
10. Despite the fact that Sharleen made no attempt to say she'd changed her not-so-into-kids ways I'm going to assume she's probably over them now.
11. And then I'll tell her I want at least two more kids because that shouldn't freak her out at all right?
12. Sharleen said I'm open minded and curious about other lifestyles, okay? She confirmed it now will everyone stop making me apologize?
13. Sharleen is "bella" but she doesn't know what that means so I told her she'll find out. Girls like mystery and intrigue.
14. Clare said she doesn't want to eat octopus to obvi that's gonna be the first thing I feed her.
15. Clare, the only one I kissed all episode.
16. Whoops, I mean I did kiss Sharleen but I'd already kissed her before so she doesn't count, right? She's grandfathered into my original six.
17. Anyway, Clare told me that she threw up in her mouth after eating octopus.
18. But I kissed her anyway because mmm vomit.
19. Lauren was sad I wouldn't kiss her but doesn't she get that I'm a father? I can't go around kissing girls willy nilly unless they're blonde, or have class, or look sexy, or exist in my general vicinity.
20. I'm also not kissing Lauren because I kind of forgot she was on this show. Also who is Danielle?
21. Andi gets the group date rose even though I kissed Clare because logic.
22. Also Sharleen gets a rose even though she basically just told me she doesn't want a 4-year-old daughter and doesn't seem that into me. Again, logic.
23. Elise doesn't get a rose because she wouldn't pose naked with me that one time.
24. Lauren also doesn't get a rose because she asked me for a kiss and doesn't she know that my kisses are things I randomly bestow upon whoever I feel is sexy at the moment?
25. But remember 1 kiss ≠ 1 rose.