For a long time, I went along with the oral game. I gave my “oohs” and “aahs,” and really put on a show whenever a partner went down on me. I tried to like it, like really tried, but it usually left me feeling bored and instead would take that time to think about other things — all while faking my pleasure, of course.
According to the 2013 book, The Normal Bar, there's a gender gap when it comes to oral sex. While 91 percent of women perform oral on their male partners, only 79 percent of men perform oral on their female partners. But before you start damning men and tossing out unnecessary insults, the discrepancy doesn’t have as much to do with men as it does with women. As the authors of the book found, it has a lot to do with the fact that some women just don’t want to receive oral sex. I am one of those woman.
I thought, for sure, there must have been something deeply wrong with me. All of my friends were receiving it and loving it, and there I was assuming I was broken because I didn't want oral. Sure, I had orgasms a handful of times while receiving oral sex, but considering how rare it had been over the years and years of my adult sex life, I finally decided to come clean with my partners a few years ago. So when a partner started moving south of the border, I’d politely explain that, at least at this juncture in my life, I will not be receiving oral. While some partners have been OK with this, others have been adamant that they’re really awesome at it, which is great! I’m glad to hear it! But still, no thank you.
So, yeah, I don't receive oral, but I have my reasons. Here they are.
1. It Makes Me Feel Too Vulnerable
There's something extremely vulnerable about lying there, legs spread-eagle, while your partner gives you oral. I find it invasive, in some respects, and honestly, I prefer to keep my legs more closed. I don’t even open them that wide for intercourse.
2. I Just Can’t Relax At All
Like AT ALL. I can’t, no matter how hard I try, just go with it. In fact, receiving oral sex gives me too much anxiety and zero relaxation. This isn’t because I have any major hang-ups with my body, but probably more to do with the vulnerable factor than anything else.
3. I Need Less Wet And More Friction
To me, oral feels sloppy. This isn’t an insult to any man who’s ever given me oral (except maybe like one to two), but even those who were very knowledgeable about the female anatomy still couldn’t avoid being too wet. Personally, I prefer more friction against my clitoris, so a wet tongue isn’t going to do it for me.
4. It Requires Too Much Concentration
Except for the guy with the small penis with whom I had sex and great oral, it requires concentration skills I just don’t want to use in bed. I don’t want to have to focus on how the hell I’m going to orgasm (or fake it), so my partner will just move on to something else. It’s not a fun feeling to have, especially the faking part. Although, I would like to say I haven’t faked it in YEARS, but back in the day… ugh. All. The. Effing. Time.
5. I Have A Bizarre Fear Of What My Partner Might Find
You know how we all have that one sex incident from which we never quite recover? Well, I have about a dozen and one of them is when my partner found a big ole' chunk of toilet paper wedged in the folds of my vagina. Of course this isn’t a big deal, in the grand scheme of things, but it stuck with me and made oral even more unappealing to me than it already was.
6. I No Longer Feel Like A "Freak"
As I explained, I really thought there was something wrong with me for not wanting oral sex for so damn long. Now that I know that I'm not a freak at all, well, at least not in regards to this, I don't feel like I need to pretend anymore. Pretending is exhausting.
7. There Are So Many Far More Exciting Sex Acts
I’m not even going to list off the hundreds of sex acts so much more exciting to me than receiving oral, because we all have other things to do instead of wasting four hours of our time on my list! But, trust me, there are soooo many other acts far superior.
8. I’m Scared I’ll Fall Asleep
I can’t even count how many times I’ve fallen asleep while receiving oral. Obviously it’s not because I’m relaxed, but more about how bored I am. This is most certainly the case if I’ve been drinking. While falling asleep mid-oral doesn’t seem that bad, having farted in the face of not one, but two partners on two separate occasions (I'm not perfect, OK?!), is enough for me to condemn the act all together.
9. I Don’t Really See The Point
Seriously, I do not see the point. I just don’t. If my partner derives pleasure from giving me pleasure, but I don’t experience pleasure from oral, we shouldn’t even do it. I’m totally fine to give him oral and enjoy doing so, but I don’t need the favor returned.
10. I Feel Dirty
As someone who likes a little kinky with my sex, I’m not against pushing boundaries and feeling a dirty. But the dirty I’m talking about here is like an unclean dirty — but not because of my vagina.
While I realize some women think of their vagina as dirty or gross, because that’s what some of us have been raised to believe, I want to emphatically point out that I do not feel this way. I love my vagina and I’m well aware that vaginas are supposed to smell and that smell can be more pungent at different times of the menstrual cycle and all the rest of it. What makes me feel dirty is the idea of mouth bacteria being in, on, and around my precious vagina. We already know how much bacteria is swapped during kissing, so do I want that sh*t up in my vagina? Hell no.
11. I Just Don’t Like It
Well, I think all these reasons were leading up to this final moment: I just don’t like receiving oral sex. I don’t. I never have. And while I may change my mind someday, right now I’m totally fine going without it. More than fine, actually. In fact, it’s a joyous occasion when I’m with someone and they don’t even make an attempt at it. It makes me want to throw a parade in their honor and crown them king of the world.
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Images: Author's own; Giphy(5)