We'll Have A Louis Latte & A Styles Scone

The only thing worse than screaming tween One Direction fans is screaming tween One Direction fans hopped up on coffee, but that is exactly what the boy band's newest business venture will bring. One Direction is opening up a chain of cafes. What can I even say to follow up that up? "One Direction is opening up a chain of cafes" is like two separate sentences spliced together. It shouldn't make sense, but yet here we are.

These cafes will be One Direction-themed, naturally, and will sell band merchandise in addition to coffee, or rather vanilla Frappucinos or whatever the heck it is 12-year-olds drink at coffee shops. "The cafes will be very child friendly for younger fans and they’re sure to be stocked up with lots of 1D merchandise," said a source who spoke with the Daily Star. "It could become one of the group’s biggest money-spinners if it takes off. Everything linked to One Direction equates to success at the moment.”

The key phrase there is "at the moment." Sure, One Direction have been huge for the past couple of years, but undoubtedly these cafes will all go out of business within the next five years or so. Even that might be generous. One of them is going to get into some legal drama soon (my guess is ledge-climber Liam Payne), Harry Styles is going to go the way of Justin Timberlake, or the engaged one is going to move to the suburbs. By then their fans will be old enough to be over them and their cafes.

But for now, the first One Direction cafe is yet to open. The first location will open in Shibuya, Japan next Tuesday and if it is successful, which is almost definitely will be, more locations will open in London, New York, Paris, Berlin, and Sydney. If one does open in New York, I'll admit it will be tempting to go in totally calm and just order a small black coffee.