Even though Han Solo isn’t faring too well these days, you can’t kill Indiana Jones. On Tuesday, it was announced that Steven Spielberg is directing a fifth Indiana Jones film and, as much as I love Harrison Ford (that is, more than my own family), I feel very... meh. If we were going by the track record of the first three films, I would understand. But, since we living in a post-Kingdom of the Crystal Skull world, I’m gonna have to say... maybe pass on that idea? Because, next to its predecessors, Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is an egregiously bad film, and, hey, maybe it’s even an egregiously bad film on its own merits, too.
The plot is a little convoluted, so bear with me as I try to sift through this. Basically, Indiana Jones is roped into a new adventure when a greaser named Mutt Williams recruits him to save his mom and Jones’ former colleague. Turns out Mutt’s mom is Marion Ravenwood (WEIRD), and everyone gets wrapped up into this escapade that involves, like, a bunch of communists that want to get their hands on the titular Crystal Skull. It gets extraterrestrial real quick, and then it isn’t fun for anyone anymore.
Regardless, enjoy these chronologically documented 27 ridiculous things from Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull., because what are bad movies if not to be enjoyed with merriment?
1. CGI Gopher
It's how you can tell this is going to be a Lucasfilm, if the big green logo from earlier didn't give it away.
2. I'd Still Hit It
Like the hand of God.
3. Two-Time Academy Award-Winning Actress Cate Blanchett, Ladies And Gentlemen
4. Weirdly This Is Not An Effective Torture Method
5. What Happens When You Don't Use The Proper Sunscreen
Honestly, guys, anything lower than SPF 30 is a joke.
6. His WWII Friend Is A Double Agent
What a twist.
7. Somehow Indy In The Fake Suburbs Is The Most Terrifying Thing In This Entire Film
So much khaki-on-pastels.
8. The Refrigerator Protects Him From Getting Nuked
9. The Janitor From Scrubs
Because why not?
10. Running For Your Life, From Shia Labeouf, He's Brandishing A Knife, It's Shia Labeouf
Hollywood superstar, actual cannibal Shia LaBeouf. (Not actually.)
11. This One Part Where It's Just The Outsiders
Lest we forget this movie is set in the '50s.
12. "You Know, For An Old Man, You Ain't Bad In A Fight"
"What are you, like 80?"
13. He's Waaaaaay Too Excited To Get His Hands On Some Crystal Head Vodka
It's 3 p.m. on a Tuesday, Indy, settle down.
14. The Moment You Realize This Indiana Jones Movie Is Going To Be About Aliens
15. "I Just Never Thought..." "I Would Have A Life After You Left? A Damn Good Life! A Damn Good, Really Good Life!"
Marion is every girl who posts 400 Instagrams of her spontaneous bestie Bermuda trip immediately after a break up right now.
16. This Moment Of Brilliance
Though that's a fair response to having a snake-rope thrown at you, TBH.
17. This Sword Fight That's Occurs While These Two Characters Are On Two Moving Cars
Can you not?
18. Oh, Mac Is A Double Double Agent, That's... More Of A Twist
19. When Shia Peers Into This Monkey's Soul And Somehow Summons A Chimp Army To Attack The Communists
So resourceful, that kid.
20. These Flesh-Eating Ants That Are So Hungry That They Will Legit Climb On Top Of Each Other So They Can Have A Taste
Can't someone just get them a Snickers?
21. "Marion, Marion, Do You See That Rainbow Over There?"
"Can you get my phone? I want to capture this for Snapchat."
22. OMG, Mac Is A Double Double Double Agent?
I can no longer follow this.
23. The Moment When You're Reminded This Indiana Jones Movie Is About Aliens
24. "ENOUGH, ENOUGH!"
Me, right now.
25. Then This Happens
I accept it.
26. The Fact That International Playboy Indiana Jones Is Getting Married
Then again, George Clooney did it.
27. The Fact That Shia Thinks He's the New Indiana Jones Because The Fedora Blew To Him, But Nah
Shockingly, this has made me more optimistic about the next Indiana Jones film. I mean, they're going to have to just leave the flying saucers at home this time, right? Right.
Images: Paramount Pictures (38)