I am all for showing your vagina some love, but I, for one, am quite skeptical of "Bottled Instinct," a new vaginal beer. The company claims that the beer is brewed using lactic acid bacteria from a woman's vagina, which actually isn't something I take issue with, objectively. The process is safe and hell, we've had semen-infused beer on the market long enough that we should have a vagina version to balk at as well. Equal opportunity weirdness, amirite? So no, the ick factor here isn't the fact that someone's using vaginal bacteria to make beer — it's the hella objectifying way they're doing it.
Again, I urge us all to take this with a grain of salt, because April Fool's Day fast approaches, and if I were going to launch a misogynistic vagina beer, this would be the time. The thing is, the beer boasts that instead of using bacteria from any commonplace woman's vagina (gAsPPP), they're using it exclusively from a beautiful Czech model, whose vaginal juices are apparently more worthy than any other woman's because (drumroll please) she's hot. Something that the promotional video reminds you over ... and over ... and over ... again.
"Help us to spread femininity all over the world," says the, er, rather confusing tagline. (Did all the women disappear in this vagina beer-laden future of which they speak?) The description on the Indiegogo is some finessed mumbo jumbo as well:
Using hi-tech of microbiology, we isolate, examine and prepare lactic acid bacteria from vagina of a unique woman. The bacteria, lactobacillus, transfers woman’s features, allure, grace, glamour, and her instincts into beers and other products, turning them into a dance with lovely angel.
The "unique woman" whose ~instincts~ are getting infused in this beer is Czech model Alexandra Brendlova. If you haven't heard of her, never fear. The creators will tell you everything you need to know:
That is a kind of a female whose pheromones will stay with you after the meeting for the following week long.. That kind of a woman whose voice you wait expectantly to hear in your favourite piece of music, whose face you visualize every time you close your eyes. The woman whose silhouette you recognize in the outline of the clouds.
It's total insanity and excitement reminding you of the best time of your youth, your first love, first kiss, first sexual experience... This insanity will overwhelm your mind with the first taste of our beer.
If you are reading this and happen to also have a vagina, you may well be wondering right now: OK, but what does my vaginal bacteria inspire in a beer? If you have 10,000 Euros and enough frequent flier miles to get ye and thy vagina to Poland, you too can have a beer that lets drinkers experience the magic.
Personally, I'm not going to bother, because I already know that anyone who drank my vagina beer would just start karaoke-ing Taylor Swift and crying about cupcake flavors that got retired at the local bakery. That is what my vagina inspires.
So ... is this a joke or not? I'll leave that for you to decide, Internet. For what it's worth, there is a Indiegogo funding this project that, at press time, has accumulated a whopping 11 euros in six days. Here's the promotional video, which I instruct you to watch at your own peril.
Images: Pixabay; Bottled Instinct
