12 Things You Thought About Sex In The '90s That Are Super Embarrassing To Admit
Perception is strange — it's affected by so many things, some of those being time, and the world around us. Which is why in the '90s, when we were younger, and culture was different, we thought different things than we do now. And in the '90s, we had some weird thoughts bout sex that are kind of embarrassing now. Granted, most of us were kids or teens back then, so we can be forgiven. But the way we developed some of our early ideas about sex are pretty darn cringeworthy. Let's not pretend the Spice Girls and Romeo + Juliet didn't influence our ideas about sex at all. Because they did. And that's where it starts to get embarrassing.
The '90s idea of sex is one you developed probably from a place of innocence, but that doesn't make it any less awkward. Think about it. Now think about how you really don't want to admit to anyone you know exactly how ridiculous some of the things you thought about sex in the '90s were. Well, I'm about to admit them for you, so you don't have to worry about embarrassing yourself. I'm going to embarrass all of ourselves. Here are some things you thought about sex in the '90s that are super embarrassing to admit.
1. That Fingering Was The Most Pleasurable But Illicit Thing In The World
You remember that scene in Fear. It's the one your aunt (my aunt) used to fast-forward through when it came on. Probably some family member of yours did the same to prevent your preteen eyes from being infected with a finger bang on a rollercoaster. Which led you to believe that fingering was the most illicit sex act of them all. But Reese Witherspoon's face, even in fast forward, definitely made it clear that even if it was illicit, it was definitely also the most pleasurable thing a woman could experience.
2. That The Bottle Would Eventually Land On The Person Of Your Dreams
Spin the bottle was huge in the '90s. I don't know if kids still do it now, but I feel pretty confidently that the answer is no, they're too busy being cool and Snapchatting. In the '90s, you really believed that enough spins of the bottle and enough awkward kisses with slobbery fools, the odds were it would eventually land on the person of your dreams, making all the gross kisses worth it.
3. That Your First Time Would Be A Romantic Romp Under Dreamy White Sheets
Blame Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes for your firmly held belief that your "first time" would happen under billowing, dreamy white sheets and dappled light. It's romantic and cute, sure, but also kind of a lame, one dimensional idea of sex!
4. That You Would Die For Love
Obviously blame Leo and Claire and Romeo + Juliet and the crazy lyrics of "Lovefool" for this one too. And thank God we grew out of this one really, really fast.
5. That You Never Wanted To Do It the Nine Inch Nails Way
We'd whisper about Nine Inch Nail's "Closer" on the school yard as though it was a vicious evil inflicted upon society. Like kids wouldn't say "Voldemort" we knew it wasn't okay to say "I want to f*ck you like an animal" either. In the '90s, that kind of sex was considered weird and abnormal by us kids, which is weird to admit now. But we thankfully all grow up some day...
6. That Sex Was Some Epic Event That Joined Two Souls
When two become one right? The weight you put on sex and its ability to truly marry two people's souls in the '90s is one of the most cringe-y aspects of your old ideas about sex.
7. That You Should Scratch Your Nails Down Someone's Back To Get Revenge On Someone Else
Obviously when you grew up and were scorned by your lover, you would take another lover, scratch your nails down their back, and hope the first one felt it. Oy.
8. That You Were Saving Yourself For Leo
Remember that sex scene in Romeo + Juliet we were talking about earlier? Yeah, that's why I was genuinely, actually, really saving myself for Leo. If it wasn't Leo, it was some other heartthrob, and the belief you had that you would lose your virginity to them was embarrassingly vehement.
9. That You Wanted A Man, Not A Boy Who Thinks He Can
You didn't even know what that meant, which is what makes it so embarrassing.
10. That You Really Were A Genie In A Bottle
You were just a little nugget waiting to be rubbed the right way, right? The problem was, you'd probably never been rubbed at all, so you really had no idea what being "rubbed the right" way was.
11. That You Would Be The One Who Got The Really Romantic Losing Virginity Story
After watching American Pie, your brain's selective memory kicked into gear, ignoring all the less-than-perfect virginity loss stories and honing in on the one that happened by the misty lake. Yeah, the perfect, sexy, romantic one. That's what you thought it was going to be like. You were pretty cute.
12. That Sex Feels Like A Sneeze Only Better
Remember this? Thinking that sex was eight sneezes or something like that? And every time you did two sneezes you'd say "that was a quarter of an orgasm!" Sex was "the sneeze feeling between your legs" in the '90s. Very embarrassing indeed!
Images: 20th Century Fox; Giphy (6)