5 "Sacrifices" Ted Cruz Should Actually Be Making

After writing an email to his supporters bemoaning the "steep" sacrifices he's made during his presidential campaign, Sen. Ted Cruz got a thorough dressing-down by Sen. Elizabeth Warren on Twitter, Tuesday afternoon. While Cruz's email (which horrendously abused the poor em-dash) listed a series of grievances about "constant attacks" from the left and the "liberal media," the loss of "time with [his family]," his limited "health and sleep" and his lack of "personal time," as some of the draw-backs of his agonizing presidential campaign. (So, basically, this.) Naturally, Warren called out his complaints as "whining" with very little sympathy.

"We're supposed to pity you because trying to be the leader of the free world is hard?!" Warren tweeted, part of a series aimed at the fundraising email. "2 words: Boo hoo." Before she proceeded to drag the Texas senator through comparable policy decisions he's supported that denied American citizens those very same rights and privileges that Cruz has "sacrificed" and more. It's admittedly hard for me to stop myself from getting all giddy when Warren releases her particular brand of rage on the likes of Cruz; there's nothing on this planet more satisfying than watching a competent defender of human rights in action against someone so smug, slimy, and oh-so-irritating.

In honor of Warren's laudable lack of f*cks (something all of us can aspire to), I've compiled a list of a few more things Cruz could sacrifice — things that could even fix a few of his own problems:

1. Start By Protecting Immigrants From "Constant Attacks" — Or, You Know, Quit Attacking Them.

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There's something to be said about the power of paying it forward. If Cruz were to quit consistently supporting the dehumanization of undocumented Americans through the policies he supports and introduces, he'd put a lot of that positive karmic energy back into the universe. It's almost certain that treating other humans with basic dignity, respect, and empathy makes it a lot harder for others to be mean to you.

So, instead of supporting legislation like the Stop Sanctuary Policies and Protect Americans Act — which increased penalties for undocumented people — maybe he could consider policies that treat immigrants (undocumented or not) with sensitivity and create a realistic and accessible path to citizenship.

Liberally using derogatory language to describe undocumented immigrants, Cruz unapologetically supported intense penalties to remove sanctuary cities and increase jail sentences for immigrants who attempt to re-enter the United States after being deported:

In light of the threat criminal aliens pose to the safety and security of our communities, we can no longer allow states and municipalities to take federal taxpayer money while turning a blind eye to the illegal aliens in their midst.

But why are you being persecuted, Ted?

2. Try Advocating For Paid Family Leave — So Working Class Folks Can See And Take Care Of Their Families.

While it's understandable that Cruz would want to spend time with his family, it seems a bit hypocritical considering his refusal to stand up for paid family leave. As Think Progress' Bryce Covert wrote, Cruz said he thinks "maternity leave and paternity leave are wonderful things... But [he doesn't] think the federal government should be in the business of mandating them."

But, as Covert explained, doing nothing about this "wonderful thing" is ultimately doing nothing for families in need:

Yet without a mandate, more than 70 percent of employers offer no paid maternity leave and more than 80 percent don't offer paid paternity leave. That leaves 88 percent of the workforce without paid family leave if they have a new child.

3. Support A Living Wage For Americans Who Are Exhausted From Working Multiple Jobs.

As Warren keenly points out, Cruz's lack of "personal time" is reminiscent (only not at all) of the struggle of countless Americans working long hours at multiple jobs because a single 40-hour a week gig doesn't provide enough for them to live on. Instead, of course, Cruz claims that a minimum wage "systematically hurts the most vulnerable" and believes that there shouldn't be a federal mandate on that, either.

4. Quit Threatening To Axe Federal Programs That Allow Underprivileged Americans To Get An Education.

Poor, sleepy Cruz would probably sleep better at night if he, as Warren pointed out, supported federal programs that help underprivileged students get through college. We all know that Cruz is big on eliminating federal programs and the Department of Education is on his dream chopping block (along with, of course, the IRS and the National Endowment of the Arts:

The first agency I would eliminate would be the U.S. Department of Education. I think education is far too important to be governed by unelected bureaucrats in Washington. I think it should be at the state level, or even better, at the local level where parents have direct influence over the education of our kids.

Too bad, however, if those kids need student loans or benefit greatly from the federal aid programs already in place. Cruz, again, wants the federal government to wash its hands of that and leave it to the states.

5. And Of Course, If He wants Less Stress — He Could Always GTFO Of Women's Uteruses.

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By now, Ted Cruz clearly has a very busy schedule of stump speeches, quoting movies your dad likes and, of course, promising people that he's not trying to take their dildos away (anymore) — but he could probably free up some more personal time if he laid off of women's reproductive rights. It's as simple as no longer trying to "investigate and defund" Planned Parenthood at every turn while spreading misinformation about their services. Very easy stuff to accomplish.

And just imagine all Cruz and his contemporaries could do if they spent even a fraction of the time he spends trying to regulate women's bodies working on policy that benefits working class people? Like, the percentage of this goober's brain that's wasted on stupid, harmful policy could be better allocated to doing literally anything else — like playing trivia board games, doing puzzles... or solving the Zodiac murders.