I’ve been there, and you’ve probably been there, too — trying to get over someone who’s just not into you. Maybe you dated them, or maybe it was a long-standing crush. Whatever the case may be, it hurts. How could someone not like me, you may say to yourself. Repeatedly. Until your friends don’t want to hear it anymore.
“The [person] you want to be with is the one who prioritizes you, accepts you, and makes you feel safe, heard and understood — so why pine for [someone] who doesn’t?" Evan Marc Katz, dating coach and author of Why He Disappeared and Believe in Love , tells Bustle. Yep... agreed.
“In a world of over seven billion people, it is astonishing sometimes to consider how we are able to convince ourselves to settle or stay in relationships that produce more hurt and pain than our inherent wholeness and a state of deep peace,” Jeffrey Sumber, MA, MTS, LCPC, Psychotherapist and Author of Renew Your Wows! , tells Bustle. “At the end of the day, however, it is essential that we each take responsibility for choosing to remain unfulfilled rather than blaming or expecting our partner to change so we can ‘finally’ be happy.”
The below may sound cliché, but they’re true (take it from someone who’s been there… a lot), and great reminders to tell yourself — so you can finally get over someone who’s not into you… and find the someone who is.
1. “There’s Someone Better Out There For Me”
A few years ago, I had my heart crushed like it had never been crushed before. The breakup came out of nowhere (at least to me) and I never thought I’d be able to trust someone again… not to mention leave the house. After the required months of mourning and solitude, I discovered something amazing — there was a “better” person out there for me, one who was better-suited than I thought possible: we had more in common, we got each other, and there was a general easiness when we were together.
Sure, it took some other dates between The Breakup Person and The Future Amazing Partner, but if you have faith that they exist, that’s all you need. After all, why settle for someone who’s semi-into you versus someone who’s totally into you, and a better match to boot?
2. “I Don’t Deserve Wishy-Washy Behavior”
You know how you can use Seamless to get food delivered to you, anytime you’d like? When someone’s not into you, that’s what they do to you — put you on their schedule, physically and emotionally. Maybe they’ll see you Friday night or maybe they won’t (and they’ll see the person who’s higher-up, priority-wise, on their list!). And if they text you last-minute to hang out, don’t do it. If someone wants to see you, they’ll make sure you’re free days in advance for Friday night.
“Sometimes we stay in unfulfilling or even drama-inducing relationships as a reinforcement of negative self-talk and/or self-sabotaging beliefs," says Sumber. "If I believe on some level that I don't deserve to be happy or that I don't deserve to wake up and go to sleep each day in a state of peace, then it makes sense I’d choose a relationship that reflects that ‘stinkin thinkin.’”
3. “I Don’t Deserve To Be Treated This Way”
When you’re dating someone who is into you, it’s easy to forget all the people who were not. Or, you’ll remember them during little moments. For instance, on Monday or Wednesday, your current, wonderful partner asks what you’re doing Friday (amazing!) or he/she doesn’t stare at every attractive person who walks by (equally amazing!) or he/she communicates with you regularly instead of keeping you guessing for days on end (also amazing!). So, if you don’t think you deserve to be treated a certain way, you’re probably right.
4. “I Deserve Your Time And Attention”
A few years ago, I dated someone for about a month or so — we saw each other a lot and talked constantly… until he went out of town for a week and went MIA. He had 101 excuses for not being in touch — “busy with friends,” “busy sightseeing,” “busy eating”… Right, silly me, his smartphone must have been broken, too (even though he had plenty of time to upload pictures to Instagram)! But the bottom line was, all of his “busy” excuses told me that he was busy communicating with everyone but me, and making time for every non-Natalia activity. No thank you. I learned I prefer to date people who don't forget about me just because they’re 2,000 miles away.
5. “I Would Rather Be Alone Than Half-Date Someone”
You know how people say you need to love yourself before you can love someone else? Well, it’s true. If you don’t like your own company, how will someone else like it? Is it better to stay in and catch up on Broad City solo versus tear your hair out that TBD-guy-or-girl is not texting? Of course, the former is best. Plus, by being single, dating yourself, and doing you-centric activities that you fully enjoy, you’ll be happy… and just may meet the coolest person ever during one of your solo activities. After all, some people feel more alone in their relationships versus out of them. Don’t be that person.
6. “I Want And Deserve A Relationship Like ‘X’ Has”
You may have plenty of friends in super healthy, fun relationships (and others who are in not-so-great ones, but that’s another story). But, you can — and will — have what they have... once you stop dating unavailable people. And even your friends in non-ideal relationships probably are good reminders for you of what you don't want.
“The ultimate goal is when we choose a partner who not only challenges the negative beliefs, but who supports us in doing our own work, being the amazing person we are — so we can love them even deeper," says Sumber. Can't argue with that.
Images: Tinx/Fotolia; Giphy (2-8)