Coping with Life in a Post-'House of Cards' Binge-Watch World
Whoa, whoa, whoa: before we go any further know there are MAJOR SPOILERS in this post. Don't say we didn't warn you if you haven't watched season two, ya silly nincompoops.
Well, you did it: you spent 90% of your long weekend indoors and binged on one of the most exciting and anticipated television events: the return of House of Cards . After a walloper of a first season it was inevitable that the second installation would result in half the TV-watching world going into a self-induced K-Hole on its return. And, hoo boy, did that ever happen. In fact, the twists and turns of the season, experienced in rapid succession, might pose a bit of a challenge to anyone hoping to re-enter the land of the living upon coming up for air/realizing that there was nary a new episode beyond "Chapter 26."
It's hard to find a way to cope with all the feelings you're undoubtedly experiencing following such an epic endeavor (to say nothing about how much your eyes must hurt). Luckily, this is the Internet and if there's one good thing about it, it's that the world wide web has a way of dealing with all the feels — through the power of GIFs — ultimately allowing you to process, cope, and move on from the truly fantastic thing you just witnessed. So let's take a moving-image-walk down recent memory lane, and figure out a way to deal with all of this together. Shall we?
No More Zoe Barnes!
Though a death most necessary — and hopefully the ultimate undoing of President Underwood once he's finally caught for his misdeeds — it was really, really shocking to see Kara Mara's character killed off so bluntly, even if we did feel it was coming once she entered that Metro station. Are we really going to have to wait to find out if her death will find its way to Underwood's doorstep?!
No More Frank Underwood Monologues
Is there anything better than the brilliant takedown and cruel expository leanings that F.U.'s monologues provided? How are we supposed to survive an indeterminate amount of time without hearing the evil machinations behind Underwood's doings?!
No More Claire Underwood Perfection
Claire was at her best — her evil, brilliant, emotional, dynamic, genius, ruthless best. Seriously — this season really showed just how two-peas-in-a-podsy her and her husband really are. And now we're just supposed to sit here and pretend as if we haven't seen the light?
No More Rowing Machine Scenes
We really thought we'd seen the last of that irritating vestige, but this year it's back and with Claire Underwood at the proverbial wheel. Still, as much as it annoyed us, its aggressive humming push-pull has become a bit of an expected staple in our lives now. How will we know whether or not our favorite couple are internally scheming without it?!
No More Crazy-Unexpected Threesomes
I mean, I just. WHAT? That was the most shocking part of the whole season, even if (after it happened), it made a lot of sense. (I'd wondered why Frank didn't turn off his threesome-porn-viewing when Meechum entered the room.) Still: is this going to become a habitual thing now?! And what does this mean about Underwood's sexuality? Will this affair come into play later?! WHY CAN'T WE HAVE THE ANSWERS NOW?!
No More Doug Stamper?
Could it be true? Another casualty — ultimately the biggest and most damning of all, though we're certain he'll weasel his way out of it somehow — of the Underwood machine? Are we really going to have to wait an unspecified amount of time (that will definitely be at least a year away) to find out about poor Doug?! And where the heck is Rachel?!
No More Conniving!
Without a bevy of devious deeds and doings to dissect and theorize about, we're going to have to channel those energies into conspiracy theories. Or work. And does anyone really benefit from that?!
No More Cashew
Our favorite part of this season of House of Cards, naturally, was actor Jimmi Simpson (seriously, he's so wonderful) and his beloved Cashew. HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GO ON WITHOUT MORE CASHEW?
Apparently, there is life after season two of House of Cards. Season three has already been confirmed. But with so much emotional upheaval and nuttery having been viewed in a single weekend, it's hard to de-compress. Which is why we suggest this methodology to cope: just keep re-watching, re-blogging, re-discussing it until the next season's release date is announced. It's cool, your True Friends (a.k.a. other people who watch House of Cards) will understand.