'Vanderpump Rules' Reunion, Part 2: Jax Apologizes and Kristen Doesn't Know Why She Slept With Him

Part 2 of the Vanderpump Rules reunion was a blur. A beautiful, tear-soaked blur. Each minute flew by faster than the last, which was a shame because I was holding on for dear life. Even after the episode ended, I didn't let go. I didn't believe the season was really done. I was like Rose DeWitt Bukater gripping Jack Dawson's popsicle hands, willing the show to come back. (What's that? Secrets Revealed airs next week? OH, THANK GOD. Never end, VR.)

The second half of the reunion picked up where we left of last week: Stassi Schroeder has severed (SURvered?) ties, Jax Taylor might have switched off his feelings like a Salvatore, Kristen Doute was ticked off at a majority of her coworkers, Scheana Marie just wanted everyone to be happy, Tom Sandoval and Ariana Madix loved holding hands, and Katie Maloney was (and continues to be) a member of Team Stassi.

Once again, Lisa Vanderpump and host Andy Cohen did what they could to wrangle the cast whenever things began to escalate. At one point, Kristen yelled at Ariana to not talk (eesh), and Lisa told Kristen to knock it off. She said Ariana is a part of the group/cast and that she belonged at the reunion. She was a big part of the season. She earned that reunion chair!

A few of my favorite moments: Tom brought back his impression of Scheana dancing, there was a naked Stassi montage, Stassi accidentally called Jax by her current boyfriend’s name, and Tom said Stassi and Jax rehearsed what they'd say during the Beso confrontation. That last one upset Stassi (yikes), but it was kind of an incredible call-out.

I live for a VR quote. Of course I was dead and dying over the things Andy and the cast said during part 2 of the reunion. Here are the best quotes (if I'm being real, I should've transcribed the entire VR reunion. Everything everyone uttered is "best quote" material):

“Were [Tom & I] ruining each other? Absolutely.”—Kristen

Ah, hindsight. Always 20/20.

How many times has Jax gone to jail? “Quite a few … Probably five times.”—Jax

Okay, then!

“Next performance I do, Sandoval is going to be a backup dancer.”—ScheanaThis better not be an empty promise! My heart cannot take the disappointment.

“It was seven and a half years ago. Move on.”—Scheana re: Brandi Glanville Yikes.

“That was painful.” —Kristen re: the Lady Gaga tweets

I get why Kristen winces about this. It would ruin my year if Lady Gaga put me in my place via Twitter. I never want to disappoint Gaga!

“It was like a surprise, but ‘HEY! SURPRISE! I FUCKED YOUR GIRLFRIEND, TOM!’”—Tom re: the Beso confrontation. Worst surprise party ever?

“Lives get destroyed because Jax likes attention. —Tom

Bumper sticker material.

“You wound up smashed against Peter’s peter.”—Andy to Stassi re: the SUR photo shoot.

Bumper sticker material, part two.

“He had such a love for her.”—Lisa re: Jax and Stassi.

Hm...

“I feel like kissing is more intimate than the rest. That’s just me.”—Jax

Okay. You totally ripped that from Pretty Woman. Don't play like you came up with it.

“I don’t know [why I slept with Jax] … It happened twice. Why? I don’t know.”—Kristen

Life happens.

“I don’t remember being a dick to you. We had a good conversation.”—Jax re: his failed heart-to-hearts with Tom.

Who needs the actual past when you can revise the piss out of it?!

“I’m not an emotional person.”—JaxK.

“I try to block it out … Of course, I have my moments. I miss our group.”—Jax when asked if he feels bad about anything.

K.

“Even as pissed off as I was, I still have a conscience.”—Tom when asked why he stopped himself from hitting Jax in the mouth.

Admirable.

“If dig deep, I do have a heart, and for what it’s worth, I am sorry … I hope one day … we can shake hands and be, like, okay.”—Jax

Yaaaay. You did it.

“I don’t work with them. I couldn’t. Doing [the reunion] and seeing this reminded me exactly why.”—Stassi

Aw, poop.

Image: Bravo