Hey, kids: This post contains ALL OF THE SPOILERS. Like, the biggest spoilers you could possibly find regarding House of Cards' return level-spoilers. You've been warned. In 26 chapters, Frank Underwood has skyrocketed from the Majority Whip to President of the goddamn United States of America. It's outrageous and seemingly audacious, but it happened on this season of House of Cards . And that, of course got us thinking: do crazy unbelievable things like this happen all the time in DC?
So when Kevin Spacey appeared on The Daily Show and served Jon Stewart's line of questioning the sort of evasiveness you'd expect from the most accomplished politicos, we knew there was some dirt he had that he couldn't uncover. In fact, Stewart even posed the question point blank, asking Spacey if the men and women he met while shadowing Republican Majority Whip Kevin McCarthy: "Are they capable of that? Because the one area you'd like to think HOC takes some creative license is the murdering part."
To which Spacey pointed to the obvious: "We've certainly had politicians accused of such a thing in history, and back in the Roman days they were fucking killing everybody." Question deflecting: classic move, Francis.
But Spacey's evasiveness got us thinking: it's true that the allegations have appeared — and congress is clearly crazy, that much we feel confident purporting to be fact — but what, then, would be the likelihood that some of Season 2's craziest moments could've actually happened? Let's take a look at the biggest ones, shall we?
Zoe Barnes' Death
2 Desk Knocks Out of 5
Now we're not saying that they way she died (pushed in front of the train tracks) would be the way they do it, but: killing a member of the press? Forgive us for being slight conspiracy theorists but we totally believe this would happen. The only thing that makes this not 100% believable is the way it was done: too many witnesses, too big and filled with bravado (shoving someone in front of a train is fucking cruel as shit) is something that — we hope, gulp — could only possibly happen on House of Cards.
The Meechum-Underwood Threesome
5 Desk Knocks Out of 5
Oh please. There is no question here that this easily the most believable plot-shocker of them all. It probably happens all the time. In reality a threesome is pretty tame considering some of those screwed up and über-repressed nutter's predilections. Actually, someone's Meechum is probably giving him the reach-around while his wife/mistress/hired lovefriend goes to town right at this exact moment, as you're reading this. So go ahead and enjoy that visual.
The Plan to Overthrow the President
3.5 Desk Knocks Out of 5
Another one that feels like a matter of no-duh/of course. The impeachment proceedings surrounding President Walker were a superb example of political manipulation. Underwood got everyone — even Raymond Tusk — to do exactly what he wanted them to do. Mostly this was done with greedy grabs for power, and to that we can only say: yeah, this one seems like it could very easily happen today — heck maybe they even tried to do the exact same thing in 1996 with Clinton!
The Rachel Posner Cover-Up
3 Desk Knocks Out of 5
The one person who knows the one thing that could ruin Frank Underwood's life, a poor, unsuspecting escort, is strong-armed into living a hideaway life, tucked out of reach from the press and other gawkers? Rachel's was a sad, sad, sad existence
Claire's Scandal Manipulation
4 Desk Knocks Out of 5
Taking a scandal that's totally true and hurting the people you love in order to salve your political image? Taking a poor, unsuspecting rape victim and exploiting her for your own personal and political gain, in addition to using her as a human shield following the cover up? What we call emotional insanity, they call Tuesday.
Doug Stamper's Death (?)
.5 Desk Knocks Out of 5
Now that we know that poor bastard Stamper is likely dead as a doornail thanks to his one-strong-arm-too-far over Rachel Posner's life and autonomy, a shitstorm is sure to need averting now that Underwood is president. But this one seems like it'd be hard even for the POTUS to cover up (especially because he's the POTUS, actually). So we're going to go ahead and call this one the least believable of them all. Which, really, is pretty telling, considering all the other batshit crazy things we're 100% convinced do happen on a semi-regular basis in Washington.