The time has come. In just under two weeks, JoJo Fletcher's season of The Bachelorette will hit our TV screens, 26 lovely looking gentlemen will grace the long, cold, wet driveway to make first impressions, and the world will return to its homeostasis. Speaking of those 26 potential suitors, potential Mr. Fletchers, let's take a fun little walk into the deep abyss that I like to call "necessary pre-Bachelorette speculation." Also known as: a ranking of the 2016 Bachelorette contestants by their chances of winning, based purely on my own incredibly specific algorithms and past experience of watching every single season of The Bachelor/ette ever. (Humble brag.)
Taking all the things I know about JoJo into consideration (plus, she once filled out her own Bachelor bio), I've deduced which of her possible husbands-to-be would make the best husband-to-be. Or at the very least, best fiancé-to-be. (I'm sorry, it's just... you know how these things go.) Without further ramblings, I present you with all the 2016 Bachelorette contestants, in order of the contestants who will probably leave the mansion before we ever learn their names to the contestants who have a real shot at winning JoJo over (and more importantly, the amazing, wine-loving woman who birthed her). Sorry boys. Let's make some snap judgements!
Ali LOVES when his date "dresses sexy." I don't know how JoJo will feel, but I'm giving Ali a hard pass based on that alone.
Oh Daniel, the "male model." His biggest date fear is that a girl "doesn’t look like she does in pictures." He also compared himself to a Lambo, not once my friends, but twice.
24. Nick B.
His favorite magazine is Ducks Unlimited. Can he be trusted?
Sal, despite his soulful eyes, seems to really have his walls up. His bio doesn't offer any tidbits about his life, other than him once having a bowl cut. (But like, we've all been there.) If Sal doesn't open up more to JoJo, he'll probably go home fairly early.
Doesn't believe gluten is a real allergy. Jon, you're dead to me.
Evan — the "Erectile Dysfunction Expert" — would like to be Donald Trump for a day. His preferred type of dancing is "Booty!" ("He loves it!"). When asked what relationship deal breakers he has, he said "Girls with chipped nail polish, girls who talk too much, narcissists, clingers, girls who have serious food allergies." I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt and declare his answers one big sarcastic joke that didn't land.
Peter seems cool. For no other reason other than him stating that he would have loved to live in the Mesozoic Era, so he could see dinosaurs. He also insists that he's a great cook, and since JoJo claims she can't cook, well, you know what they say about opposites.
Likes to cook Italian food. JoJo likes to eat Italian food (in the form of pizza.) TBD on if this will be enough to form a bond.
18. James T.
James T. listed his favorite movie as Wedding Crashers. He's a singer-songwriter, so that might get him far, but it all depends on what kind of music he performs, and if he gets the chance to showcase those skills to JoJo.
Brandon listed his occupation as "hipster." I find that really disheartening for a variety of reasons that are too complex and emotional to get into right now. My senses tell me that this won't work out very well for Brandon.
Grant saves lives on the daily (probably) as a firefighter, but he can't hang with you if you choose to talk about Harry Potter for 20 minutes. Shouldn't be a problem for JoJo (she didn't admit to being a fan on The Bachelor), but I personally don't trust him.
15. Nick S.
Guess what's on good ole Nick's bucket list? Running a tomato farm. Guess who, if given the opportunity to be a fruit or vegetable, would be a tomato? Yo girl JoJo.
Jake seems like a nice young chap. He's humble (though listing "humility" as a greatest attribute of yours, often points to you not having it), he put Ninja Turtles III as his fave movie (threequels never get enough love), and he's confident that in five years time, he'll be married to the Bachelorette.
Christian listed his mother as his best friend, which is something he and JoJo could relate on. JoJo's mother happens to not only be the unspoken hero of Ben's season, but also near and dear to JoJo's heart.
Derek admires Ben Franklin. JoJo once admired a Ben. Before he told her "I love you" and then crushed her heart on national TV. Lots of things to discuss between these two.
Alex is a real life hero trapped in John Stamos' face/good hair. One time, he "ripped the door off a totaled, burning car and pulled the unconscious driver out to safety." If he's smart, he will tell JoJo that story early on.
10. James S.
James S. listed his occupation as "Bachelor Superfan," which I love him for. Though he believes women should never "touch the door or bill" on a date (seems antiquated, bro), he appears to be an all around stand up guy. Like JoJo, he had a serious relationship prior to coming on the show.
Chase describes himself as "laid back," which seems to be JoJo's speed as well. That's really all we know about Chase, but I have above average feelings about him and his facial hair.
8. James F.
James F., like JoJo, is religious, listing "The Bible" as one of his favorite books. The two could find common ground, and break some Sacramental bread with this alone.
Wells, like a lot of great humans, loves Mexican food. Tacos, specifically. JoJo just so happens to make a mean quesadilla.
Will's go-to dance movie is called “Bernie-ing" and is "loosely based on the '80s classic Weekend at Bernie’s.” Perhaps he will be the contestant that sticks around for a really long time, Bernie-ing his way through the process, until there are six left and everyone's like "Who's that guy?!" Fingers crossed.
Like JoJo, Coley is also in the biz of real estate. He's a real estate consultant, and I'm unclear on how that differs from being an agent or developer, and I could go look it up, but I won't because this isn't about me. Coley loves it when his date "doesn't take her phone out of her purse," so I think he'll get along great with JoJo. Mostly because I'm pretty sure they aren't allowed to have phones while filming.
More real estate. Chad is a real estate agent, JoJo just happens to be a real estate developer. He may or may not be a very extreme Matthew McConaughey fan. I know this because he answered three questions with the following iconic McConaughey quote: "Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright." He also said his greatest achievement to date was "being born good looking." I like Chad. Should I date Chad? Also, please note that Chad is the name of JoJo's ex, so perhaps she has a type, and that type is Chads.
Well, would you look at this. Both JoJo and Robby answered the "If you could have lunch with a person, who would it be?" question with "grandfather." Adorbs. Plus, Robby describes himself as a hopeless romantic, and looks great in salmon.
He sings country music, JoJo loves country music. That's a solid foundation for a romance if I've ever seen one. (Though I might not be the best judge of this, considering I once dated someone based solely on the fact that he and I attended the same Nelly concert in 2005.) Anyway, Mazel!
Jordan and JoJo have so much in common. I mean for starters, their names both start with "Jo." On her own Bachelor bio/questionnaire, JoJo listed her grandfather as one of the three people she would have lunch with. On Jordan's bio/questionnaire, he listed his grandparents as the people he admires most. They both share a favorite movie: Wedding Crashers. (Coincidence that JoJo seems to be an doppelgänger for Isla Fisher? I don't believe in coincidences.)
Who will win? Who will unexpectedly become the villain, but then be redeemed on Bachelor in Paradise? Who will cry? All these things and more will become apparent, when The Bachelorette premieres on May 23.
Images: Craig Sjodin/ABC (27)