The Real 'Vanderpump Rules' Star Isn't Stassi Schroeder but It Is Someone Just as Hairless — VIDEO

All loyal Vander-viewers know Tom Sandoval and Kristen Doute are no longer a thing (in fact, Sandoval is not on speaking terms with Doute or new beau James Kennedy), but there was a time that they were together. And there was a time Stassi Schroeder, Katie Maloney, and Doute were a friendship trio. And there was a time the entire cast could put their shit aside and go on group vacays. And there was a time Schroeder worked at SUR. I'm feeling so sentimental! Were we ever so young?!?!? Enter: next Monday's Vanderpump Rules : Secrets Revealed. The special promises previously unreleased footage from the season. Footage from, I assume, happier, pre-pump hitting the fan days.

To whet our collective appetite, Bravo has given us a few preview vids to watch again and again. My favorite of the clips? Obvi, the footage of Lisa Vanderpump picking out an outfit for Giggy. If Bravo aired an hour's worth of Vanderpump talking to Giggy and Giggy not responding, I'd be thrilled. Giggy is my dude.

Wait. It's not fair of me to say Giggy is not responding. He says so much without uttering a word. I interpreted Giggy's body language. Here's what the dialogue between Vanderpump and Giggy would be if Giggy could speak human (I've bolded Vanderpump's lines and italicized Giggy's "responses"):

“Giggy, wanna go out?”

Look at this furry throw I’m perched upon. Do I look like I want to go anywhere? I’m comfy as F.

“It’s cold out. Wanna wear this?” (Holds up outfit)

I’m hiding my disapproving face from the camera because I don’t want to offend the designer of that outfit. It's a lovely outfit. But no, I do not feel like wearing that. At all. And again, I don’t want to go anywhere, ESPECIALLY knowing that it’s chilly outside.

“Rosia, can you bring up like five or six of Giggy’s suits?”

Oh, you're not going to give up on this, are you?

“Wanna wear this?” (Holds up dark blue suit)

Engh.

“When you see one you wanna wear, bark.”

Are we really stooping to that level?

“You want this?”

Try again.

“Clearly not.”

Can I just wear what I’m wearing? I’m tired. I don’t have enough energy for this fashion show thing you’re doing.

“You wanna wear that?” (Holds up bedazzled black and pink suit)

Crimeny, Lisa. No, I do not.

“Ugh, you’re so difficult.”

Hey, I’m just being real. That’s why you love me, right?

“Wanna wear this one?” (Holds up blue suit with giant pink “G”)

Um… Maybe? Actually, nah. I’ll pass.

“Gig, I’m not going through this with you every day.”

Mmkay.

“I need to talk to you about your attitude. Are we friends or not?”

Lisa! You know your my BFF and ever.

“Gimme your paw then.” (He gives her his paw)

I’m sorry, Lisa.

“So we’re good?”

Of course. We’re always good. BFF and ever.

“I’ve got to go to work.”

I’ll hold down the fort in my current outfit. Don’t worry about me, I got this.