There are those among us who are really good at being single, staying upbeat and positive and happy throughout the months or years they find themselves flying solo, and there are others who have a harder time with it. Regardless of where you fall in the spectrum, it’s worth focusing on one thing to tell yourself to feel more positive about being single, whether it’s that you’re worthy and ready for finding love; reminding yourself that you’re not settling, no matter what; or just affirming that you’ll put yourself first, take care of yourself and work on yourself, day in, day out, because you’re nurturing the most important long-term relationship you’ll ever have — the one with yourself.
Though there are many things you can tell yourself to feel good about being on your own, I spoke with eight experts to find out what types of things are most useful to remind yourself throughout the time you are single, and they were all full of great suggestions. Whether you affirm and accept your life exactly the way it is at this present moment or you just feel blessed that you’re not in the wrong relationship, here are eight ways to stay positive while you’re single.
1. I Affirm My Life As It Is
"I'd rather be single, in a comfortable relationship with myself, than trapped in a dysfunctional, toxic relationship with someone else," certified relationship coach Rosalind Sedacca tells Bustle. Affirming where you are, right now, this second, is the best way to be present and in the moment, and with that comes acceptance. "Being single gives me freedom so I don't waste time or energy on a relationship partner who doesn't value me and my attributes," Sedacca says. "I've given up drama and appreciate my life as it is now." This way, you remain open to what might be — letting go of what once was and moving clear-eyed ahead.
2. I'm Grateful That I'm Not In The Wrong Relationship
"While there are plenty of happy couples, there are also couples that you know you wouldn't want to be a part of," Stefanie Safran, Chicago's "Introductionista" and founder of Stef and the City, tells Bustle.
It's worth focusing on this idea of what you don't want, Safran says — giving yourself room to wiggle around in your singledom for now. There are lots of issues that can come with unhappy marriages, and when you are single, you can really put your attention toward being grateful that you're not in the wrong relationship — and manifesting what you want. "Finances, sex, extended families; you probably have heard of people that have to deal with more than their share of issues by being married," Safran says. For now, you have no relationship issues to deal with. Savor it, and work on yourself in the meantime.
3. I'm Being True To My Desires And Values
"You’re being true to yourself," New York–based relationship expert and author April Masini tells Bustle. "Getting a date — even getting married — is not that difficult. But doing it on your terms because you’re ready and you think your partner is the right one takes discrimination, hard work and time." You have values and desires that not just anyone can meet — which is a good thing.
"You’re not going to live life on someone else’s schedule," Masini says. "You’re living your life and being true to yourself by doing your diligence and living honestly." Enjoy it — and be proud for not settling for anything less than what you really want.
4. I Am Free
"You can have anything you want," Tina B. Tessina, aka Dr. Romance, psychotherapist and author of How to be Happy Partners: Working it out Together, tells Bustle. You are footloose and fancy free, and it's worth really sitting back and relishing it as often as possible. "You don’t have to cater to anyone else, and when you’re really ready, you’ll find a relationship," she says. For now, you get to work on your relationship with yourself.
5. I Am Choosing This
"Being single is a choice," life coach Kali Rogers tells Bustle. "If you wanted to be in a relationship with someone, you could," she points out, echoing Masini's sentiment — after all, if you're willing to be with anyone, you could find someone pretty easily, but that's not what dating is about. "You simply haven't found someone who fits the bill quite yet," Rogers adds. "Don't settle. Keep looking." If you're looking at all! If not, enjoy the journey and see what happens next.
6. I Am Open To Possibility
"As a single woman, you should remind yourself that you have an amazing life," dating expert Noah Van Hochman tells Bustle. "Let your confidence in your own life exude into everything around you." And if you don't feel confident right now, that's OK — just build it, day by day, by doing things like raising your self-esteem. "Happiness and confidence attracts the same," he says. "Know that the right man [or woman] for you may be the very next person you date."
If not, that's OK too. "Hope for it, but don’t expect it, and know that you have to take some emotional risks in order to find the happiness you deserve." Remind yourself that it's all part of an adventure, and there is no destination.
7. I Am Getting To Know Myself
"Being single is a great time in your life, and the best exercise you will ever have in really getting to know yourself," psychologist Nikki Martinez tells Bustle. "It is essential to have this time to get to know who you are alone as an individual, before you can possibly decide who you are as a partner." Getting to know yourself is a gift — allow yourself to really revel in it, and find out the things you most love about yourself. "You are a stronger and more independent partner for having done so," says Martinez.
8. It's Better To Be Alone Than Lonely In A Relationship
"There's no place worse in this world to be than in a relationship you want desperately to get out of," relationship coach and psychic medium Cindi Sansone-Braff, author of Why Good People Can't Leave Bad Relationships , tells Bustle. "So congratulate yourself on the fact that you're single and that you're standing on your own two feet, emotionally, financially, spiritually and psychologically."
Not just standing on your own two feet, but you built this life for yourself — and you are continuing to build. As many experts have pointed out, it's worth telling yourself that if you wanted to be in just any relationship, than you'd be in one. "What you really want is to be in a happy, healthy, and forever kind of relationship," she says. "You can feel really positive knowing that you're open and free to let love in the second it manifests."
Until then, find little ways each day to love yourself — deeply, madly, and unconditionally.
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