Talking to your partner during sex can be super hot, but since what to say in bed isn't exactly on anyone's sex ed curriculum, a lot of us end up missing out on the joys of communication in the bedroom. Fortunately, if you've craved the connection that comes from whispering in your partner's ear but found yourself tongue-tied in the heat of the moment, you don't need to dive headfirst into full-on dirty talk. I looked into what the easiest, most effective things to say in bed are, and there are a few options that are actually not intimidating.
But first, a note about what not to say in bed, because not all bedroom talk is created equal. First of all, mainstream porn is full of bedroom talk that can be degrading when it's not consensual, so definitely avoid derogatory terms you haven't discussed first (hopefully that goes without saying).
Also, it might be tempting to say "are you close?" Resist that temptation, Vanessa Marin, sex therapist and author of Bustle's sex advice column, tells Bustle. "That question will throw your partner out of the moment and make them feel pressured to get close," she explains. Another no-no is "What do you want?" It can also take someone out of the moment to have to run through all the possibilities in their head and figure out what it is they want. Here are a few things you should say instead.
1. "Do You Like It Better When I Do This Or This?"
Rather than a vague question (like "What do you want?"), this presents your partner with an easy decision. You can ask this with pretty much any combination of two sensations: one part of their body versus another, a lighter stroke versus a firmer one, you name it. "This allows you to get feedback from them, but in a way that won't feel overwhelming," says Marin.
2. "I Like That."
While it may not seem helpful enough, telling your partner you like what they're doing can actually do a lot to calm their nerves and help them figure out what to do. "We can all get anxious in the bedroom, and it feels good to know that our partner is enjoying what we're doing," Marin explains. Other variations of this are "that feels good" and "keep doing that."
3. "You're So Good At That."
If you're looking to boost your partner's confidence, a more flattering version of the standard "I like that" could be "you're so good at that," "you're driving me crazy," and "you feel so good." You may assume your partner already knows you like having sex with them, but they may not realize how much you like it or what specifically you like. Plus, letting someone know when they've done something right so that they'll keep doing it is a lot easier than telling them when they've done something wrong so they'll stop doing it.
4. "This Is Feeling Way Too Good."
Instead of putting your partner on the spot by asking "are you close," this — or simply "I'm getting close" — is a way to tell them where you're at so they can know what's coming (no pun intended) or slow things down if need be.
Images: Andrew Zaeh for Bustle; Giphy (4)