Sometimes, even if you’re looking for love, you just want to get laid. Wanting to have sex is completely normal and natural and, honestly, who can blame you for wanting to get down while you find what you're looking for? Although some apps have become synonymous with hookup culture, that doesn’t mean that there aren’t people on there looking for something serious. Which, although promising for those who are looking for the same, it's not so great for those who, well, just want to bang, as my mother would say. Actually, no, she’d never say that — but it would be funny if she did.
So picture this: You’re on a date. It’s going really well. You’re not really in a place in your life for anything serious, something of which you’ve, ideally, alluded to by this point in the date. What you’re really looking for is a one-night stand, or, even better, a succession of one-night stands that will lead into basically a friends with benefits situation that easy, breezy, and lacks all the drama that can sometimes come with a relationship. How does one go about putting that out there? Is there a right or wrong way to say, "I just want to have sex with you?"
"When it comes to matters of romance, The Golden Rule is always the best policy," Dating Coach Francesca Hogi, tells Bustle. "Rather than let someone have the wrong impression about your relationship, be clear up front that you are seeking something casual."
Here are five tips for exactly how you can put this out there, without making it awkward.
1. Explain Where You Are In Your Life
Try telling your date that you’re not really looking for anything serious at the moment, in a charming, yet assertive way. “Try this,” Loveologist and Sex Coach, Domina Doll, tells Bustle, “’Hey, I think you are great, but I’m not looking for Mr. [/Ms.] Right, and, you, know... no wining and dining, let’s get down to dessert!’ Or, something along those lines, in your own words of course.”
2. Try To Get A Feel For What They Want
In my experience, somewhere during the first date expectations are laid out. Not expectations for an impending relationship, but what each person is looking for at this stage in their lives. If they're already making serious future plans, Hogi says you need to end it right then and there. "Try not to hurt [them], use humor when possible and let [them] know it’s not personal,” says Doll.
3. Limit Your Non-Sexual Activities
As Hogi explains, it sends mixed signals if you’re going on actual dates, but you’re only in it for sex. She also says that it’s best to avoid planning ahead: “Only contact them when you are ready for sex. Day of, night of. Last-minute planning only!”
4. Make It Clear That You’re Sleeping With Other People
“You can slip this in naturally,” says Hogi. “Tell them you assume they are sleeping with other people. Practice safe sex, of course, and tell them you want to be sure they’re being safe with their other partners, too.” This technique is a great way to let them know just how sex-related this situation is and that, honestly, you’re just f*ck buddies.
5. Just Put It Out There
Both Hogi and Doll agree that honesty, above all else, is the best policy with this one. "While it may be tricky telling someone you just met that you are only into [sex right now], the best way to open the conversation is to just tell them," Doll says. "Beating around the proverbial bush only prolongs the inevitable talk... honesty and integrity are just as important in any relationship, even a casual one."
Images: Andrew Zaeh for Bustle