Breakups can be devastating, and often times these negative feelings that you and your ex go through post-breakup can certainly linger, as relationships take time for healing. Yet, sometimes this wait is too long, and knowing when you're not over your ex and how to start getting closure can get you back to feeling more like yourself in a shorter period of time. However, some relationships, and especially romantic ones, can be challenging, and when you notice that a relationship isn't working out, and you decide to call it quits, the pain and tension doesn't necessarily go away immediately.
As a certified health coach, I understand the importance of having intimate, trustworthy, and encouraging relationships, as these wonderful, happiness-boosting bonds can make you feel more connected to the world at large and provide a key source of wellbeing and comfort that can improve your health, overall. However, when a relationship goes sour, negativity can set. These post-breakup feelings can really mess up your ability to work and be productive in the office, to move on to different activities and supportive, non-romantic relationships, and to be open to finding love with a new partner, one with whom you can trust and feel comfortable around. Here are 11 ways to know that you're still experiencing lingering feelings for your ex, and that you're in need of some self-love, better understanding, playfulness, and novelty to get back to your normal self.
1. You're Trying To Bump Into Them
Over interview with the Huffington Post, Antonio Borrello, PhD explained that if you're "hunting and haunting," meaning you are showing up to the typical areas that you'd spend time together during the relationship, you're not over your ex. Such places include restaurants, coffee shops, work offices, and residential neighborhoods. However, meeting too often can make things awkward and can trigger pain upon seeing the other person.
2. You Compare Other People To Your Ex Constantly
If you're comparing other people to your ex, then you have lingering feelings for the ex and are not giving yourself a chance to meet someone new for a romantic partnership. Remember that your ex is unique, and other people will be different, in good and bad ways. It's best to be open to seeing the good in others and remember that you broke up for a reason.
3. You're Feeling Nostalgic
If you find yourself missing your ex, regardless of how content you might be in other areas, such as relationships, work, and familial life, it means that feelings of nostalgia exist and that you have yet to fully move on, as explained by Jennifer Kromberg, PsyD, in an interview with Psychology Today. Try and separate by focusing on different relationships and personal goals.
4. You Feel Depressed
According to certified healthy lifestyle coach Liz Traines over email with Bustle, if you notice that your anxiety and depressive moods are higher in the weeks or months following a breakup, even when other good things are happening around you, it might mean the wounds from a breakup have yet to heal. Do something fun and see a therapist for help, if the pain persists for too long.
5. You're Checking Social Media All The Time
Traines explains that if you're constantly on your ex's Facebook and Twitter, browsing through photos and tweets, throughout the day, it means that you're not over him or her and will need to find a way to remove yourself. De-friending an ex is totally an option if you find that it's too tempting to stay up-to-date on his or her whereabouts.
6. You Attribute Blame
If you are still feeling blame in your relationship, either by blaming yourself or by blaming your ex, it means that you haven't received adequate closure to come to terms with the breakup. Try to relinquish blame and just take the breakup for what it was: a time where two people decided it didn't work out and wanted to move on, regardless of who broke up with whom.
7. Your Friends Are Sick Of Hearing About It
Lemmer suggests that if your friends are sick of hearing about your ex, and even make that known to you, then it means that you're talking about him or her way too much and need to stop. If you are constantly thinking and speaking about him or her, it means you're still hung up on your ex and haven't been able to move on.
8. You Keep Your Ex's Stuff
If you notice that you still hold on to your ex's old college sweatshirt or a blanket, and you use it to stay warm and have as a reminder of him or her, then it means you have lingering feelings. Instead, throw out your ex's things, as keeping an ex's stuff can prevent you from putting the relationship in the past and making room for a new partner's belongings.
9. You're Still Angry
If you find that you're angry after a breakup, and you still haven't come to terms with it, then feelings still exist. After a good amount of time, roughly three months after a breakup, you should be able to have a positive or at least neutral perspective on the relationship, as it could have taught you something about what you like or don't like in a relationship.
10. You're Pressing Your Mutual Friends For Info
If you're asking mutual friends for information on your ex and his or her new relationships, whereabouts, and feelings regarding the relationship, it means that you are hung up on the relationship and have yet to move on. Instead, either take a break from mutual friends for a while, or focus on your independent relationship with them.
11. You Don't Want Them To Be Happy
Traines says that a good breakup with an ex, or even a bad breakup but with adequate time to heal and gain closure, will mean that you'll feel as though your ex deserves happiness, too. If you wish that he or she didn't have success and happiness, and you're angry when he or she is doing well, it means you're not over your ex.
Moving on from a breakup takes time, but if you notice these symptoms, and too much time has passed, then it might be wise to re-evaluate where you stand. Focus on yourself and try to shape a positive perspective regarding the relationship. There are plenty more fish in the sea.
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