The Struggles Of Only Ever Wearing Black

by Kelly Dougher

First of all, let me profess my love of wearing all black outfits. Wearing all black clothing all the time has lots of benefits: People will think you're confident and sexy (duh), you never have to worry about matching, most spills and stains can go unnoticed, and it makes shopping a lot simpler. On the other hand, there are some downsides. As anyone who loves wearing black more than any other color knows, it's not always easy. People just don't understand that an all-black wardrobe is more than just a style choice: It's a lifestyle. And like any major lifestyle commitment, it requires a few sacrifices and the occasional struggle.

I used to not care too much about what I wore (as long as it wasn't pink) but as I get older, my appreciation of black clothing has grown. Now probably at least half of my wardrobe is black, if not more, and I love it. Still, I've also noticed that simply switching to an all-black wardrobe doesn't solve all of your problems — shocking, I know. If anything, I've had to struggle with all of the little problems that tend to pop up when you wear black all the time. At the end of the day, these issues are minuscule and completely worth putting up with for my beloved black clothes... But it's still fun to complain.

If you love wearing all-black too, read on to see if any of this has happened to you.

1. You Have To Keep Lint Rollers Everywhere.

Literally every other time I go to Target I snap up a mini lint roller for a couple bucks. I don't know why my lint rollers always seem to disappear but they do, so I just keep replacing them. I have to keep a lint roller in my bedroom, by the front door, in my purse, and in my car at all times to battle the constant layer of dust, lint, and pet hair that tends to accumulate on my black outfits. It's second nature by now to give my entire body a quick sweep before leaving the house.

2. It's Glaringly Obvious If You Have A Pet.

Oh yeah, speaking of pet hair... I guess I didn't really think about my love for black clothing when I adopted my golden retriever, Doug. Of course I love him more than anything and would adopt him again in a heartbeat, but sometimes I wish Doug had black fur. I always wait till the last minute to get dressed and then end up running away from him so he can't jump all over me and ruin my outfit (this never works, of course).

3. People Keep Telling You To Wear Color.

"Why don't you have some color in your wardrobe?" "This pink shirt would look so nice on you." "How about adding a pop of color to that outfit?" Moms tend to be the worst about pushing you to wear color, but comments like that come from pretty much everyone, from relatives to strangers. If I wanted to wear color, I would — and sometimes I do! But I like black more, so stop trying to turn me into a walking rainbow, MOTHER.

4. People Keep Asking Why You Only Wear Black.

I got this a lot at one of my old jobs. An elderly man would come in often and once asked me why I'm always wearing black. I had no idea what to say, as my mind went through all of the possible answers: I'm not always wearing black, am I? Well, it's because I like it. Because I look good in it. Because it's easy. Because it matches my soul. Because it's none of your business! I think in the end I just shrugged. This situation ends up repeating itself ad infinitum over the years.

5. Your Love Of Black Clothing Might Even Become A Running Joke.

Once your friends and family realize that they're not going to convince you to give up your all-black wardrobe, they finally accept it. That's when the jokes start. They're always terrible jokes, usually along the lines of how you're so goth or how you must think you're so cool. If you're not prepared to laugh along for the millionth time as your grandpa nudges you and says, "Isn't that the same outfit you wore yesterday?" then you're not prepared for an all-black wardrobe.

6. Foundation And Deodorant Are Your Mortal Enemies.

If you wear lots of black then you know the struggle of pulling your black top or dress on in the most convoluted way to avoid smearing deodorant or makeup on it. Whenever possible, I get dressed first and put makeup on last. It's not as easy to put deodorant on after dressing (sometimes clothing is too tight) so I've perfected the delicate wriggle that one must do to avoid the dreaded white smear.

7. You Have A Hard Time Finding The Exact Black Item You Want To Wear.

In some ways getting dressed is easier when you're wearing all black. On the other hand, sometimes I think it adds at least five minutes to my morning routine as I pick through all the black items in my closet and dresser, looking for that one black shirt that looks an awful lot like my dozen other black shirts. I swear they're different though! I need to wear this particular one for a reason!

8. You Get A Bit Overheated In The Summer.

You assure concerned friends that you feel fine wearing black skinny jeans in 90 degree heat, but inside you're seriously rethinking all of your life decisions. Then the next day you do it again. Fall is truly a godsend for us noir enthusiasts.

9. You Tend To Look The Same At Every Formal Event.

Going to a funeral? Black dress. Going to a wedding? Another black dress. Graduation ceremony? Black dress. Birthday party? Black dress. Fancy date? Black dress. You'd think I'd only need one black dress but the truth is I have a different black dress for every occasion. Don't fight with me about it, I am who I am.

10. Some People Might Find You Intimidating.

What about my black leather jacket, black ripped jeans, black boots, black sunglasses, and resting bitch face make you hesitant to approach me? I swear I'm friendly; it's just my love of all-black outfits that make me seem like I'm not. On days when I don't want anyone to talk to me it's a lifesaver, and on days when I do want to make friends I just wear a Beyonce t-shirt. Problem solved.

Images: Kelly Dougher