It's that time of year again: everyone's drinking gourd-flavored coffee and warding off violent clowns in the streets. Orange has become temporarily fashionable. Halloween is almost upon us, and now is the time to read horror stories, as assigned by your horoscope. So here is the one scary story to read, based on your zodiac sign.
Look, I understand that astrology is a... soft science at best. Some might even argue that it's not a science at all (although I feel like Victor Frankenstein could maybe get behind it). But last I checked, zombies and vampires weren't real, either. Sorry to disappoint. If you're going to suspend your disbelief for long enough to get thoroughly freaked out by monsters, ghosts, and masked madmen, you might as well go the whole nine yards and start making decisions based on your astrological sign. It's more fun, anyway.
So I'd like to present you with 12 terrifying tales, one for every sign of the zodiac. There's heart-pounding violence for Aries, emotional manipulation for Cancer, drop-dead sexy monsters for Scorpio, and some kind of weird nonsense for Aquarius, plus everything in between. If you're looking for a personalized horror story, specifically chosen to get under your skin, look no further:
1. Aries: World War Z by Max Brooks
You're one tough customer, Aries. You're not about to get all freaked out by creepy little girls standing in hallways. You want legions of the un-dead tearing you apart limb from limb. Only zombies have enough high-octane thrills to keep up with you, so you need to read World War Z, a book of stomach-churning, eye-witness accounts from the Zombie War.
2. Taurus: His Face All Red by Emily Carrol
As a Taurus, you're all about stability. Zombies and gore are all well and fine, but the thing that really scares you is when something is just a little... off. His Face All Red and the other stories in Through the Woods inspire sheer terror through beautiful illustrations and subtle, spine-tingling hints at an unimaginable horror.
3. Gemini: The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson
I'm not calling you two-faced, Gemini... I'm just saying that you have different facets to your personality. You've got your studious, dorky Jekyll side, but then every once in while you just Hyde out. You're the twins of the zodiac, and this is the classic, disturbing story of humanity's twin natures.
4. Cancer: We Have Always Lived in the Castle by Shirley Jackson
You can be a bit of homebody, Cancer. And we all know you're one of the most sensitive, family-oriented signs. We Have Always Lived in the Castle is a short, claustrophobic horror novel about young Merricat Blackwood, who just wants to be left alone at home, with her family... or at least, the family members who are still living.
5. Leo: Frankenstein by Mary Shelley
It's only natural that Leo should have the original horror story. Plus, Leo's the zodiac sign most likely to play god. I'm not saying you're arrogant, Leo... but if any sign is going to go full Victor Frankenstein and start messing with the laws of the universe, it's probably going to be you, Leo. In a good way. Just be nice to your monster after you create them.
6. Virgo: Carrie by Stephen King
You've got it together, Virgo. You're organized, detail-oriented, polite. And secretly you think that you might one day snap and kill everyone at the prom. OK, so that's a little extreme, but you get what I mean. Carrie is the perfect book for the careful, caring Virgo who's really trying to stay in control of their telekinesis.
7. Libra: The Amityville Horror by Jay Anson
You're a pretty balanced person, Libra, and you like the occasional fact to balance out all those ghost stories. The Amityville Horror is a true story—well, the murder part is true. Whether the subsequent hauntings and pig demons are real is up for you to decide. But either way, this story has a perfectly horrifying balance of true crime and paranormal scares.
8. Scorpio: Dracula by Bram Stoker
Well, of course. You're a Scorpio. You deserve the sexiest, most sinister vampire of them all. You're passionate, intense, and secretive. So is Bram Stoker's infamous antagonist, and you really can't do much better than the original vampire novel. Besides, you can kind of imagine yourself as some kind of un-dead, seductive aristocrat.
9. Sagittarius: John Dies at the End by David Wong
Absurdist, comedic horror that's still genuinely scary? This one's for you, Sagittarius. You're the fun guy of the zodiac, after all. The serious horror classics are great and all, but you like a story that has more of an original take when it comes to monsters and psychotropic drugs. If it has a few laughs along the way, even better.
10. Capricorn: In Cold Blood by Truman Capote
There's a good chance that supernatural stuff just makes you roll your eyes, Capricorn. It's not that you're against fun, you just find true crime and serial killers a tad scarier than werewolves and sexy vampires. Truman Capote's In Cold Blood is the mesmerizing account of a brutal murder, investigation, and trial, and it's got all the true life horror you could ever want.
11. Aquarius: House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski
A young family moves into an ordinary house... until they realize that their house is somehow bigger on the inside. And that's when things start to get strange. House of Leaves is a wild, surrealist piece of horror fiction that doesn't follow any of the normal rules of horror or of fiction. It's perfect for a deep thinking, eccentric sing like you, Aquarius. Just don't read it before bed.
12. Pisces: Let the Right One In by John Ajvide Lindqvist
You're a compassionate sign, Pisces. You would definitely want to help a strange, lonely little girl. Even if she is connected to string of murders. Really, really grisly murderers. Let the Right One In captures all the lonesome romance of childhood and all the absolute horror of blood starved vampires in one beautiful, disgusting novel.
Images: Universal Studios