Ben Higgins' 'Bachelor' Party Was The Weirdest Ever & Scarred Me For Life
Ben Higgins and Lauren Bushnell decided to call their wedding off, but they forgot one thing — to cancel their joint bachelor/bachelorette party. But no matter, because Ben knows exactly how to get the party going — by getting fertility testing done for himself and everyone who wanted it! Ben Higgins’ bachelor party scarred me for life, and I’ll tell you why.
It all started innocently enough — Ben and Lauren told stories to their respective friend groups about how Ben may not be able to have children. Why? Because when he was growing up, he had an extra vein in his scrotum (yes, I’m telling the whole story, because if I had to sit through it, you have to sit through it). Long story made a little shorter, said vein warms up the testicles and makes sperm count lower, so he got it removed. Except when he got it removed, something went wrong, and his scrotum swelled to the size of a grapefruit, and due to this trauma, the doctors said that it could possibly affect his ability to have kids. So Ben decided to call a doctor to test his sperm, as well as the sperm of any of his friends who wanted to test theirs. Great.
Now, I’m all for fertility testing if need be — if you want to have children, have ‘em! What disturbed me is not only did I have to envision Ben masturbating into a cup, but also there were all these great animations of rockets exploding and Old Faithful going off to, you know, mimic the fact that he was masturbating into a cup. JJ Lane did it, too, because he’s always down for a ridiculous Bachelor date.
Turns out that Ben is just fine in the baby-making department, and I hope Ben and Lauren have the family they want. But what I don’t hope is to have to watch something like that again. Why did I need to know about Ben’s veiny reproductive system? Why did anyone need to know? I know the Bachelor producers love a weird, sexually-charged date, but damn. This went beyond sexy and straight into health class. I never thought I’d want to see tantric mud bath yoga ever again, but here we are.
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