The relationship I have with my mother teeters right on the edge of adorable and completely absurd. She’s always been completely open with me about sex. Not once has she made me feel weird about it. She has never kept her mouth shut and has always been keen to offer her two sense in every situation. At 6-years-old when I was masturbating on the poles of my parents' four-poster bed, she just embraced my sexuality and let me live my life. She believes that sex is a beautiful part of the human condition that it should be embraced and celebrated. I would be kidding myself if I said my career as a sex writer weren’t largely influenced by my mother’s sexual openness.
We talk about sex far more than the average mother and daughter. My friends are usually some mix between jealous, amazed and terrified when they hear us talking together. When I was doing my first op ed, experimenting and writing about a couples sex toy, my mom asked if I’d send her one to use with me father. TMI? Yeah, but whatever.
When she asked me why I needed a vibrator since I have a boyfriend with a great penis, I told her that sometimes you want something that vibrates. She was all about that. No topic is off limits. Seriously. We even talk about anal.
She’s a real peach, my mama. Here is all the outstanding, quite useful and borderline insane sex advice my mother has given me over the years. God bless you, Siobhan.
1. Always Find Each Other In Bed.
My mom kind of sees sex as a cure-all medicine for any marital altercation. I don’t know how spot on that is, but she’s been married for 30 years so, who the hell am I to question her methods?
She has always stressed the importance of sex, even in long-term relationships. She and my dad are well into their 50s and early 70s and still have sex regularly. She loves to brag that she’s getting laid. She’ll come into my room in lingerie, and drape herself in the doorway to let me know what’s going on, “Your father and I are having a very important business meeting in our room. Don’t disturb us.”
To which I respond, “We get it. You’re having sex.”
I don’t love thinking about those scenes taking place because she’s talking about my adorable father, but I’d rather have parents who like having sex than parents who can’t even stand to be in the same room. Siobhan says that if you and your partner are feeling disconnected, you should should just have sex. Even if you’re fighting; just get naked and all will be well.
2. Masturbation Is A Wonderful Part Of Life.
I am a girl who loves a good masturbation session and apparently, the apple does not far from the tree. My mom loves to talk about her masturbation habits. She texted me the other day and started the message with, “Well, you know I love to masturbate.” It makes for awkward family dinners, but she is who she is.
She’s always taught me and my sisters that masturbation is normal and wonderful. There are so many mothers who don’t even explain how a clitoris works to their daughters. How else are you supposed to know how to touch your vagina if you don’t know where your clit is or how it works?
3. Be Careful Of Anal Sex.
When I teach people about anal sex in my classes or writing, I always emphasize the importance of lube. The emphasis I put on this golden rule of anal is all thanks to my mother.
We were on the phone while I was on my walk home once and she inquired as to whether I’d ever had anal sex. She advised me to be very careful having anal or I might develop hemorrhoids. Though Lauren Streicher MD, Associate Clinical Professor of Obstetrics and Gynecology at Feinberg School of Medicine Northwestern University and author of The Essential Guide to Hysterectomy Sex Rx, tells Bustle, "While anal sex can cause a myriad of problems (this is a one-way chute), hemorrhoids are not on the list," lube is still super important when you're having anal sex. Your butt lacks the natural lubrication your vagina has, and you're at risk for tissue tears. Ever since talking to my mom, I’ve been a lube junkie.
4. Being Naked Is The Best Thing On Earth, And Everyone Should Always Just Be Naked.
My mom loves to be naked. If she could get away with never wearing clothes, she would do it. She walks around the house in sarongs and no underwear. At least half of my friends have seen her like this when they’ve come over to hang.
She loves her body and she has taught us to love our bodies. Everything is better if you do it naked. Clothes are the worst. Humans aren’t even meant to wear them. We should all just be naked.
5. Anal Sex Is Important For Your Relationship.
Clearly, my mom is a big fan of anal. Not only did she warn me about it, but she also wanted me to know how important it is to have anal with my partner. Anal is a big winner.
In her opinion, a woman should be a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets. While I think you should be whomever you want to be, but I do see her point. What person wouldn’t love a partner who is their best friend but also does anal —or whatever sex act turns you both on? That sounds pretty marvelous to me.
6. Sex Is Beautiful.
People often ask me what my parents think about what I do for a living, “Do they approve of the things you write about sex? Do they get mad?”
I’ve never had to second guess my career choice because my mother has instilled in me that sex is beautiful and there is no shame in it. From the time I was a little girl, my mother filled my head with mantras of sex-positivity and feminism. She tells her friends, “This is my daughter. She writes about blow jobs for a living. It’s too fabulous!”
She may give me some whacky, not at all PC advice sometimes; some people might even think that the level of uncensored guidance she doles out isn’t healthy, but I love her for every single thing she’s taught me. She is the best mother and human on earth.
Images: Author's own