Ryan Gosling's 'Only God Forgives' Will Tank Because Hey Girl, He's Not That Bankable

Hey Girl,

How come you don't like Ryan Gosling anymore? I thou—I thought that love was a flame eternal, girl. What do you mean you're not sure you know what I'm talking about? Girl, Ryan Gosling's new movie Only God Forgives is out, and so far, girls AND guys are sort of "meh" on it, leading many to believe that it might tank at the box office.

It's just one movie! you suggest. Plus, a guy literally just got plastic surgery to look like him! But no, girl, it's not just one movie, and it's so much more than a new face: nearly every movie Ryan Gosling has been in since 2011's pure, unadulterated love-fest for the World's Most Attractive Canadian. That was the year that brought us Crazy, Stupid, Love., Drive, and heck, even The Ides of March, girl. All of which did pretty well — but we all knew that any movie with the Goose and the Cloon wass going to do gangbusters, didn't we, girl?

Since that day though, girl, our box office hearts have clearly waned. The baby goose is growing into a man — and we're not sure if we're on board. 2012 was quiet, relatively, before we got The Place Beyond the Pines. That film really divided fans, girl, with its tri-level storytelling and s-l-o-w pace. And then, of course, there was what should've been the most ideal place for a Gosling resurgence, Gangster Squad, reuniting him with his oh-so-perfectly-matched, can-they-please-date-already co-star Emma Stone. But that movie was bad and didn't do so well, either. And all we have to look forward to now is Only God Forgives, which has already filled the critics with a sense of dread.

It's no wonder then, girl, that Ryan Gosling announced earlier this year that he was going to take a break from acting. Even though it broke our hearts at the time, we can now see it for the genius that it truly is: Ryan Gosling is just looking out for us, girl: he knew this was going to happen. He knew his movies were going to suck, forcing him to take a breather. He knows that distance will make the heart grow fonder. He's a sage one, that teen-dreamy, Mickey Mouse Clubbin' Canadian heart-stopper.

Hey, wait, girl: where are you going? Oh. Oh! You're in love again. OK, phew. We knew you'd get back there. We're all on our way back there, together.