We've Ranked Whitney's Mom's Best Quotes

by Kristie Rohwedder

As if I haven’t already articulated it approximately one million times, allow me to state the following sentiment as straightforwardly as possible: I love Southern Charm ’s Patricia Altschul. Week after week, she’s proven to be one of the best current Bravo characters. When Altschul saunters on screen, I toss my phone across the room and give my television set my full attention. I can’t miss a word of what Whitney Sudler-Smith’s glamorous, intimidating, and hilarious mother says. She might be my hero? She might be who I want to be when I grow up?

Bravotv.com understands just how amazing Altschul is, so they’ve devoted an entire page to Patricia Altschul clip videos. “The Best of Whitney’s Mom” features five clips from some of Altschul’s greatest scenes, and it may or may not be my new homepage.

Which video is my favorite? Don't you dare make me choose. What's that, you say? You really want me to choose? You say it would mean a lot to you? Okay, fine. I might have a compromise. Here's my idea: I nominate the best quote from every video, and rank the videos based on that quote alone. I'm ranking the quotes, not the videos. Will that work? I'm banking on it working for ya, so let's do this.

Fifth place:

Quote: “You think just ‘cause we’re Southern, you can put [bourbon] in everything. We drink it with everything, we don’t put it in there.”

Reason for Decision: This is very funny, but come on. Y'all cook with bourbon, too.

Fourth place:

Quote: “You went outside? Like you were going to have a duel? Southern gentlemen at their best.”

Reason for Decision: I can almost hear her follow this up with a "well, isn't that precious." Love it. This line is outstanding, but the competition is stiff. Therefore, it landed itself in fourth place.

Third Place:

Quote: “When you look around here, do you think the opium den genre is kind of like this?”

Reason for Decision: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA so patronizing/amazing.

Second Place:

Quote: “Instead of impregnating 21-year-olds, you might refocus, is all I’m suggesting.”

Reason for Decision: "...is all I'm suggesting" elevates this.

First place:

Quote: “ANN TAYLOR?!”

Reason for Decision: Yes, it is a simple and short quote. That being said, it gets the job done. I've yet to not laugh out loud at this line when I watch this scene. And I've watched it an embarrassing number of times.

AUGH I can't wait for Monday night's episode. Why? Uh, duh. The answer should be preeeetty obvious.

(Okay, here's the answer: A new episode means a fresh batch of brilliant Patricia Altschul quotes to chew on/recite/tattoo on my arm. Uh, duh.)