Katy Perry's "Birthday" & More Cash-Grab Anthems You Never Want to Hear Again
Aside from the fact that her preview for "Birthday" shows just how little Katy Perry has learned about cultural appropriation, coming out with a song called "Birthday" makes it pretty obvious that Perry wants her song played at every super sweet sixteen from now until eternity. It's a thinly veiled cash grab, and I mean, who can blame a pop star for trying to enter a canon of "Oh my god, this is the most overplayed song of all time?" It's a strategy, at the very least—you know those songs that, even if you abhor them from the very core of your being, you know every word, and you'll sing along to them at every ere are some other songs that have been here, there and everywhere at every function in a poorly lit banquet hall or hotel ballroom in America. Apologies in advance that these songs will be stuck in your head for the rest of you life.
5. Lady Gaga's "Just Dance"
Remember the early days of Gaga, with those sky-high Jeffrey Campbells and that blonde hair, and those bejeweled sunglasses that you tried to make a DIY version of using materials from Michael's Craft Store? "Just Dance" came out in 2008, if you can believe it, and probably sustained your way through every college house party you ever went to. Just dance, it's gonna be okay, do-do-do-do. It's strangely comforting. This one is multi-purpose, but for use at birthday parties, mostly.
4. Rihanna's "We Found Love"
Okay, this is a genuinely good song. But what about Rihanna's tragic love story in "We Found Love" makes people think it's applicable to their relationships? Apparently it was the #1 wedding song in 2013, which is worrisome—all you Facebook couples, do you really think you're anything like Riri? Rihanna seemed to know what she was doing, though; there's something about "We Found Love" that makes you wanna go "OMG that's sooo me and my boyfriend."
3. Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas (Is You)"
The most blatant of all. Did Mariah know that this would become the best/worst Christmas song of all time? Does she possess powers of prophecy, in addition to powers of being able to marry Nick Cannon?
2. Beyonce's "Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It)"
Queen Bey can do no wrong, but I would not be sad if I never had to hear "Single Ladies" ever again. It became the anthem of the single girl dance at every wedding, a cause for humiliation for every unlucky single girl with a dubious love life. I mean, when Liza Minelli did the Single Ladies dance in Sex and the City 2, you knew that was the nail in the coffin.
1. Black Eyed Peas' "I Gotta Feeling"
Hell is a room where this song is playing on repeat. The world really would be a better place without the Black Eyed Peas who plagued our ears with "I Gotta Feeling." Never mind the syntax of the title and the horrible lyrics, but was it really necessary to have vague Jewish references in the song for no reason? If their goal was to have this song played at every Bar and Bat Mitzvah indefinitely, then Mavel Tov, Peas, you so cruelly got your wish.
Will Perry's "Birthday" enter the ranks of such infectious and horrible earworms? Will we love/hate it and sing along to it against our will? Time will only tell.